Posts By Michele Bryan
Holidays Alone
December 13, 2013
Divorce and separation force some parents into facing an inevitable holiday alone. My first rocked my sense of self and capacity for happiness on a day that had always brought me so much joy. After a lifetime of magical holiday celebrations, it was unfathomable to me that I could be spending one, more or less, ‘alone’.
When I separated over five years ago, we sought to keep that first holiday season as similar as possible. It was not even close to being the same, yet we made an effort to all be together and soften the blow of what had come to pass. The years that followed found me holding change at bay with all my might and yet, deep inside I knew it would eventually come to pass that I would be on my own for one or many.
This compelled me to look at holidays, as well as other special occasions, and ask myself what they really mean to me. Is it the actual day itself? Can togetherness be shared on any day we choose? What does each holiday truly represent for me and how can I celebrate on my own? These questions took me deep and led me to finding a sense of peace and self-understanding no one can take from me.
There also came a deeper understanding of others. As much pain as I felt, I recognized there were countless others who were suffering much greater loss than I was experiencing. What must they be feeling? I found myself with a new appreciation, understanding, and compassion for those people and their pain.
A dear friend brought still yet another perspective to my attention. As I lamented out loud my loss of family and the pending holidays, my unmarried, childless friend looked me straight in the eye and stated, “At least you had it once.” The shock of an unseen angle coursed through my body. I felt embarrassed by my lack of acknowledgement and gratitude. Now my grief had a new meaning. It had been a privilege to experience something wonderful even if I did miss it now.
On Thanksgiving morning this year, as my girls drove away to be with their father and his family, my heart clenched in my chest for a brief time and then it passed. We had been together for several wonderful days and cooked our holiday meal together the night before. Reflecting on our shared time warmed me through and melted the lump in my heart. This has not always been that easy for me.
Holidays are different because I have chosen to make them that way. The time I do have with my daughters is extra precious. The time alone can be filled with friends, good football with chips and guacamole, bonfires with myself, or walks with my beloved dog, Magic. Holidays can be sacred and beautiful even when they are not filled and defined by the presence of my children. And it gets easier with each passing year.
Friday the 13th Revisited
December 13, 2013
Today is Friday the 13th; a day fraught with superstition and history. I probably didn’t need to tell you that. So what is today really all about? The history runs so deep that the roots of the day are difficult to find, so I endeavor to share with you what I do know and what the day means for me.
Early in my spiritual studies, I learned about pre-historic matriarchal societies. Prior to this, I had no idea that women had ever been in charge of culture and religion. This was thrilling information. Along the way, I heard tales of how powerful women, the midwives, ‘witches’, and herbalists, gathered on Friday’s, often the 13th, to concoct their tinctures and brews as well as hold spiritual ceremonies. As patriarchy and Christianity took over, it was important to them to vilify these practices in an effort to establish their power. My research has not proven this exactly to be true and there are other things I have found that support this in general.
The word “Friday” is derived from a female Norse goddess known as ‘Frigga’, goddess of marriage and fertility or ‘Freya’ the goddess of sexuality and fertility. Fridays were also Sabbath days in ancient pagan cultures. When the patriarchy took over, they claimed Fridays were witches Sabbaths and that Eve even tempted Adam with the apple on a Friday. (Seriously…how did they know that??) Friday was getting a bad rap.
Next add the power of the number 13. In prehistoric goddess worshipping cultures, their calendars were based on lunar cycles, the 13 moons of the year or menstrual cycles. There are numerous artistic examples from these cultures that incorporate the number 13 offering more evidence of their belief in the power of women. When the solar calendar took over under patriarchal leadership and the lunar was cast out, 13 was classified as evil as a means to get people to embrace the new.
Add to that the fact that a coven of witches numbers 13. Keep in mind that a ‘witch’ was historically a label given to women of power who practiced powerful spiritual and medicinal work that assisted their cultures. We’re not talking about wicked old witches who want to cast evil spells on you. Hmmm…I wonder who started that idea. Are you starting to get the picture?
For me, Friday the 13th represents a powerful day for women. As I think on the brave women who went before me, the persecution they endured, and the traditions that were snuffed out in fear, I stand firm in the day as an opportunity to embrace the power of women. The fear and superstitions hold no meaning for me except as a reminder of the power a society can have over its members to shape their beliefs.
The history goes much farther than I have taken you and I encourage you to explore it on your own. (Check out the Urban Legends website where I found some of my information) Hopefully as you delve into this topic, you will at least conclude that the dread of the day has been contrived by many beliefs touted by patriarchal spin-doctors who were invested in promoting their own systems. So check it out, take back your power, form your beliefs about the day, and go forth without fear!
Courage of the Heart
December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.
There was the cliché ‘rebound’ guy who bruised my heart, or more accurately my pride, and a couple of others I thought might be a soft spot to land for a moment. Even though not fully in love, each time it was amazing to me that my heart could find the courage to lean in at all. My divorce and the betrayal that came with it had devastated me in ways I did not even think possible. According to onlookers, my survival without institutionalization was good fodder for a movie script. Overall, I truly felt independent, steady on my feet, and safe from real heartbreak.
Imagine my amazement when my heart suddenly took a risk, without my permission, and put me out there, for the first time. At first, I was stunned! After dating so many men and feeling little to nothing in terms of love, I believed I was too guarded, had been through too much trauma, and might not be willing to risk my heart again. As it turns out, my heart was waiting for someone special and I did not see it coming. It was more of a heart to heart recognition rather than a falling in love. I stepped into a relationship of familiarity, laughter, and a connection that amazed me. For several months, it was warm and wonderful; everything I had secretly hoped for and my heart went there willingly.
It is with regret I must report that it did not work out. Call it bad timing, call it a man with commitment issues, call it what you want. One friend even had the love to say to me “he wasn’t that into you”. It did not work out and I was crushed. I had also hoped that with all I had already been through, my heart could not/would not hurt like that again. I cried a river and felt my chest would explode from the pain.
In some ways, I felt leveled again; almost worse than the divorce itself. I was 43, at the time, and wondered how could this be happening? No mental argument or rationalization could ease my pain just as it could not keep me from venturing into love again. I surrendered to the agony and as the tears subsided, I was able to appreciate the courage of the risk I had taken.
The tenacity of the human heart is still unexplainable to me except that I feel our hearts are naturally drawn to others. It has also been said the mind does not retain horror; maybe that explains a lot. All I know is I see others and myself go to hell and back only to rise up and have faith again.
The cynics may say we are gluttons for punishment. I think we are courageous, resilient, and meant to share our lives with another. It was a wonderful surprise to me that as I caught my breath and dried my tears, I could still feel hope inside of me that a true love, well timed, that matches me will appear. If nothing else, loving this man with all my heart had showed me it was possible for my heart to be inspired and just how courageous I truly am.
Maybe next time the timing will be right, maybe he will have the courage to risk as I do, and if not… I am guaranteed to survive, learn more about myself, and most likely try again.
“Courage of the Heart”
Holiday Survival Guide
December 6, 2013
Buckle up parents…the holidays are here! Some of us smile and dance; others sigh deeply and wonder how we will ever get it all done. The societal expectations of the season, fed by Martha Stewart specials and unending commercials displaying ‘perfect’ holiday scenarios can delude the strongest of minds. And I have good news! There is a way to unplug and reclaim your holiday for you and your family to truly enjoy, so read on!
As a mother, and a very young one when I started, I had ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself. Growing up, my holidays had been very magical more often than not. I endeavored to create the same magic, warmth and wonderment for my family. It did not occur to me that I had been an only child being raised by my mother and her family, which included three other adults. My expectations of myself were totally unrealistic given there was only one of me and yet it took a few emotional meltdowns before I could see that.
The revelation came mid-crying jag alone in my bedroom. I had been trying to do everything I normally did (which was already a very full life) AND add all the holiday stuff…cards, decorating trees, shopping, baking, etc… Was I crazy?? Who did I think I was…superwoman?? From that moment on things began to change as I gave myself permission to pick and choose holiday endeavors. After all, what’s a wonderful Norman Rockwell ambiance if Mama is looking like a deer in headlights with red, swollen eyes? Not pretty.
If you are interested in making your holiday one that is truly full of peace and joy rather than stress and exhaustion, here are some of my ideas:
• Take time to consider what is most important to you. Shape holiday plans around your self and your family rather than ‘shoulds’ from your extended family, church, community, etc…
• If children are school age and older, include them in the decision making by asking them “What do you like most about the holidays?” “Is there anything about the holidays you don’t enjoy?” Consider their answers, they are full of wisdom, and let them know about plans once they are made.
• If you have younger children, consider putting your tree or other holiday decorations up later in the month to delay their excitement and unbearable anticipation. You can also delay putting presents under the tree. Their lack of concept of time can make a month seem like forever.
• If traveling, try to have your own space where you can wind down and take a break. Plan outside activities with only your child in mind that are not centered around others. This reestablishes your personal family ‘center’ which is very grounding.
• Be willing to use TV consciously to serve your interests. It can help children to unwind, at times, and is a quiet way to spend time together just ‘being’, snuggled up watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
• My favorite decision was no cooking on the day we put up the tree. Ordering pizza freed me to enjoy every moment along with everyone else. Resentment rectified!
• I eliminated sending Christmas cards in favor of using that time to bake with my children, which took more time than doing it on my own. While I missed connecting with friends, I loved the slower pace with one less ‘to do’on my list. Some families I know send cards and connect with friends on other holidays, such as Thanksgiving or Valentine’s when there is less to do.
• Leave some space in the holiday schedule…don’t plan every minute. Leave room for spontaneous fun, such as an afternoon movie as a family.
My last and maybe most important suggestion is a post holiday debriefing that includes everyone in your home. Talking about the holiday, what everyone loved the most and least, what plans worked well and which didn’t, were new traditions created, and which do you never want to do again…etc.
This can be humorous and fun as you look back over the season and learn more about what truly makes you and your family happy. It’s best to do this before the New Year and write down what you discover. By the time the calendar turns round again, the joys and horrors of the previous year will strangely be forgotten.
Over the years I learned from my mistakes and created wonderful memories with my family. The changes I made were not all easy and the peace they gave my heart allowed me to be fully present with my family. That made it all worthwhile.
What changes will you make this season to retain your sanity?
What do you do different from others that makes a difference in your home?
There’s a million ways to roll through December and I would love to hear from you!
A Passage of Time
November 22, 2013
Searching through recipes the other day, desperate for a comforting, healthy soup to make, I was stunned to see how many recipes I actually have in my possession. Even if I chose to cook three times a day, seven days a week for the rest of my life, I could never cook every recipe I have. And given that I definitely do not choose to cook that much, it is highly unlikely that most of these will ever be made.
17 years of being a somewhat traditional stay-at-home mom and wife, I cooked all the time and loved it. I took special pride and pleasure in feeding my family. It was important to me to cook food they would love that I also knew was nourishing their bodies in the best way possible. This was a role I took very seriously.
Standing in my pantry looking at the stacks of somewhat organized recipes, I was stunned and a touch sad. It was a moment of remembering that a phase in my life had definitively passed. Being single for over five years, this wasn’t a new revelation. It was something I had not thought of for a while and it registered deeper this time.
It was a separate realization to experience how it felt from where I stand in my life now. It was wonderful to see that true healing had happened over time. Even one year ago this realization would have hurt more. No one prepared me to handle transitions in life. Daily routines, which you take for granted, may abruptly end without warning. Then suddenly, a time in your life has passed and you can only look back on it. These were the thoughts running through my mind standing in that pantry.
I still miss those days and certainly miss having a house full to cook for; and I really enjoy my time alone now too. I do not miss the pressure of cooking every night. For a single girl, a salad or cheese quesadilla with guacamole is just fine. It is wonderful when my girls are home and ask me to make a special meal for them. And this Thanksgiving, they’ve proposed we cook a special meal together which is even better!
Part of me wanted to purge and recycle most of what was there. Put the past truly behind me into the recycling bin. Then another part spoke and said “leave this for another day” and that felt better. Just because that time is done and I am at peace with it doesn’t mean I’m ready to let it all go. That will be an afternoon of more reminiscing and appreciating the mother I have been and continue to be…in different ways now.
I love that I still have that nurturing cook as a part of me. There have been recent occasions where I had an opportunity to cook for a large table of teens. My heart reveled in cooking, sitting together, and seeing everyone gobble up every bite. If I am honest, there is still part of me that longs for a large family that enjoys gathering together. For all I know, that opportunity may come again and those recipes may be needed.
I think I’ll hang onto them a little longer.
The Need to Fix
November 22, 2013
Last week, I wrote about how we, as parents, can change our behavior to stop reinforcing procrastination patterns in our children. It is exhausting to feel like we must constantly be the push – the gas – the main one that motivates things to happen. I’m a big fan of energy conservation and have experienced that putting some effort into shifting a pattern ultimately saves tons of energy once it’s alleviated.
My suggestions last week focused on how we change our behavior to shift the pattern. This week I’m going deeper and looking at some reasons behind the need to fix, save, and rescue. I’m going past the behavior to the root of the problem. Why do some parents have a constant ‘need to fix’?
To begin to understand why you feel this need to control things in your home, it can be helpful, in a quiet moment, to ask yourself if this need to make everything ‘right’ is for their sake or yours. Starting to understand the ‘why’ behind your actions can ultimately help you to let go of this previously unconscious drive.
Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, shares the idea that children are always thinking, feeling, and deciding. This is how they learn. Truth is, we as parents are too. Look back on a moment where you know you were ‘running the show’ unnecessarily and kindly ask yourself “What was I thinking? Feeling? Deciding?”
You may discover that the agenda is about your comfort and needing things to be a certain way for your sake. You may discover unconscious fears about what will happen if your child does not do things a certain way. Or you may find you are trying to prevent emotions or behaviors from happening that are difficult for you.
No matter what you find as the truth inside, be gentle with yourself. A harsh, critical inventory can do more harm than good. The softer approach of a caring inquiry will pave the way for change. The answers you find will give you the key to shifting the ‘need to fix’ pattern at the root rather than constantly making the effort the change your actions. Similar to constantly tearing at a weed over and over rather than getting it by the root. More energy conservation!
Undoing patterns of overdoing and fixing are helpful to creating a home where children and adults have the freedom to be themselves. Homes are welcoming places when each family member knows their individual thoughts and feelings will be honored. This encourages children to know themselves…their thoughts, feelings and decisions so they can develop self-esteem. Giving them space, allowing mistakes and natural consequences to play out, teaches our children far more than the million words we could speak.
Taking the time to look within and grow brings gifts to everyone you live with in addition to yourself. In my opinion, we are always growing alongside our children. Parenting stretches us to be better people and model self-love and self-care. Children have the opportunity to see their parents make mistakes and grow through them is the best model of all.
How do handle the ‘need to fix’ inside of you?
What’s your best advice for learning to let go?
Share with a comment today and we will all be growing together!
Do Procrastinating Children Make You Crazy?
November 15, 2013
At long last, here is my response to the suggested topic of how to handle patterns of procrastination in children of all ages. The request specifically asked about Kindergarten age children getting dressed in the car on the way to school, which starts a pattern that results in teenagers not filling out college applications until two weeks after graduation. There isn’t a parent on the planet who hasn’t encountered these situations and yes, there is a solution!
You may be surprised to hear my solution resides within us, the parents. It is our job to lead and respond to our children in such a way that we help them develop a sense of self-responsibility and accountability. How do we do that? By setting boundaries and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions and choices. Here’s the tricky part, we do this by saying very little…. difficult I know.
This may be easiest to explain by using the examples that were suggested. Let’s look at getting dressed in the car on the way to school. It is easy to imagine the events that lead up to this happening. A long tortuous morning of fussing, persuading, children ignoring, parents eventually ranting, ending with clothes gathered up, thrown in the car with the child and a lecture all the way to school with empty threats of “we’re not doing this again”.
If children keep repeating a pattern, it is because it is ‘working’ for them. There is something they are getting from the pattern playing out that meets a need they have. It could be a sense of power or a need for attention, even if it is not positive attention. It is our job as parents, to look at ourselves and how we can change our responses to shift the pattern.
Discussing the frustrating pattern at a calm time is a good place to start. Expressing your frustration, asking them how they feel when the pattern plays out, and asking them for ideas on how this can be made better gets everyone involved in creating the solution. It helps to prepare them for your change in behavior by telling them ahead time what you will do differently. This gives your child appropriate attention and power.
Your true power as a parent lies not in what you can ‘make’ them do, which is very little. Your power resides with you deciding what you will and will not do, communicating this in advance, and following through. No empty words without the resolve to stand behind them.
Maybe you decide that there will be no more dressing in the car. Instead you will take them to school in their pajamas and let them experience the consequences. This works best when you involve their teacher in the plan so you have the teacher’s understanding and cooperation. Parents I know who have taken this approach have experienced that it only happens one or two times before the child decides this is not how they want to go to school. Peers will tease or maybe they miss recess because they are not dressed appropriately. These are natural consequences.
There are also the options of no breakfast or privileges in the morning until they are dressed. This again gives them the power to decide. Although I am not a fan of TV, there are those families who allow it in the morning and use that as an incentive to get children up and rolling. No TV until you are dressed. You know what motivates your child. So risk a tantrum, which may come the first time or two you assert your power, to help shift a pattern that makes you crazy!
The approach is similar with teens, which in my opinion are very much like toddlers in bigger bodies with more hormones. They need boundaries.
Boundaries = being clear about what you will and will not do.
It is important for parents to be the adults and guide children to choices that will ultimately feel good.
You want your teenagers to fill out those college applications. You don’t want them to live with you forever. Use this to motivate you to face the fire when you tell them there will be no going out this weekend until they show you a completed application. It may be unpleasant being in your house with a disgruntled teen, and this is parenting. Ultimately, they will feel relieved when the dreaded task is behind them. You help them to get there by holding a line.
Again, discussion of this plan during a calm moment is usually best. It allows them to reason (as much as they can with an imbalanced adolescent brain) and not be surprised when you suddenly change your approach. It is also important that when the boundary is being held, you hold your tongue as well. The lecturing, ranting and raving are accomplishing nothing, I promise. They will tune out, shut down, and not be able to process their feelings. In order to begin to make different choices, they need an opportunity to process their experience. So hush, hold the line, get out of the way, and let them feel.
Next week, I’ll write about some of the unconscious motivators we, as parents, may be dealing with that lead to us ‘fixing’ everything and rescuing our children at every turn. Till then, I would love to hear from you!
What tactics have you utilized to shift patterns of procrastination?
How do you motivate your children to get out the door in the morning or finish their homework/college application?
We all learn from others experiences, so share yours with us today!
Growing Older is an Adventure
November 8, 2013
Life does not prepare you for the adventure of getting older. Our society worships the vitality, beauty and firmness of youth. We’ve all heard plenty about that, the unrealistic pressure it creates and how we, as a culture, need to respect the maturation process more. I agree and as a result of seeing changes in myself, now believe that change starts at home; or in your own bathroom, as the case has been with me.
It is startling when you see the first grey hair. It even more horrible when you share this discovery your partner, next to you in the bathroom looking in his own mirror, as he calmly states with a chuckle, “If there’s one there’s more.” Devastating. This was no laughing matter. That was ten years ago and I’m sorry to say those grey hairs continue to appear…in various places; disturbing and shocking me every time.
Five years ago, I became a single woman again. Not entirely due to his insensitive comment…let’s just say that didn’t help his case very much. I digress. What I want to share is that the changes have not stopped. In fact they have gained momentum at times leaving me to wonder how I can out run them. “Maybe if I exercise enough, eat well enough, hydrate enough this will stop!” is the thought that runs through my mind.
And there is some truth to that. We can prevent aging even while we are getting older. This means, if we are willing to do the work, we might not have to accept the messages in the commercials for pharmaceuticals preparing us for the inevitable side effects of a ticking clock. Working with Dr. Laura Ellis of medAge has been very helpful in plotting my strategy. (see my previous blogs for more info)
The grey hair was just the first sign of my ticking clock. More changes were coming. Next came the sobering reality that gravity will have its way and things will shift. The best part of my divorce was the weight that I lost due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. That emotional ride stripped me of four clothing sizes. When people ask me how I am the size I am, I tell them it’s called the divorce diet and I don’t recommend it.
The other side of that coin is a smaller body with the same amount of skin that has always been there + gravity = creping. Can you hear me sighing? Yes, too much skin everywhere and I am not interested in going under the knife. I have no judgment about plastic surgery. I’m just not fond of doctors coming at me with sharp objects; especially while I am unconscious. This is not to say I will not surrender someday…its just not the adventure I choose right now.
So I look in the mirror, turning my body this way and that, bending and looking at the truth of what is my body now. At first I was shocked. I’d only seen skin like that on my grandmother. However, I am happy to report that with time, I am making friends with this new ‘condition’. I am loving me as I am and intentionally enjoying the areas without creping since I now know their days are numbered.
So this is just my commentary on a couple of changes to my body and I’ve listed nine in my notes. Don’t worry; I’m not going into all of them. Some are not for public consumption. It’s just to say, at 46, I feel like I am facing many changes and if you are too, hopefully this is helping you to feel better.
Having had my weight fluctuate for most of my life, I’ve often kept an eye to my collarbones. How discernable they were was one indicator for me of how my weight was doing. (I hate scales!!) One day I realized my collarbones were showing all the time even more so without losing weight. At first I thought that was good, until I realized it wasn’t thinness…it was gravity. Everything was shifting to my hips and thighs. Good Goddess! Is there nothing we can count on anymore??
Full-length mirror needed…check. More lunges and squats…check. Remember, this is a fight and I’m not going down easily! And at the same time I appreciate how pretty my neckline looks in pictures from the waist up. Best to enjoy this new attractive feature before something else happens.
For my last getting older adventure share, I have to mention stuff getting caught in your teeth. Seriously?!? No one ever mentioned this as something you can expect as you get older. They don’t even talk about it on tv and there is no exercise I know of that can help. Who knew that your teeth shift as you get older necessitating the practice of checking your teeth every time you eat? Which, by the way, is particularly stressful if you are single and dating as I am. Hear me sigh and add an eye roll. Sure, I’ve flossed in my life…just never as much as I am now. And I certainly never carried it in my purse!
At the same time, I am grateful to have all my teeth and they are more white than not. And there is something I can do about that to offset the red wine staining over time…thank Heaven. It’s the little things that matter more as you mature and become wiser with time.
All in all, I hope you get my point. Humor, love, and self-appreciation are better than Xanax for me any day of the week. I am choosing to get older as gracefully as I can and find it easier to do so if I am honest about the shock I feel at times. Better to get my feelings out in the open rather than have them fester in my mind, descend into my heart and corrode my entire body.
It’s not that I want to look 20. Given a choice, I would choose to keep the wisdom and experience I’ve gained over firmer breasts any day of the week. It’s just that I know this face and body. We’ve been together for 46 years without losing any parts or major injury. I know her. And when I look in the mirror and see changes, I am shocked and sometimes a little frightened of what is coming next.
Then I remember that I’ve loved me more days than not in various sizes and conditions all my life. I can count on me now to love me as the journey continues. This is where respect for elders comes from. It starts at home, looking in your own mirror, loving and appreciating you! Not knowing what’s coming next is just part of the adventure.
Saddle up for the ride because it’s coming whether you like it or not!
Legacy – Finding and Creating It
November 8, 2013
This summer I embarked on a project for my family I had been anticipating for 15 years. The time had come to assume stewardship of a 40-acre farm that has been in my family for nearly 100 years. What I did not foresee is the amazing legacy it would introduce me to and meld into my soul.
The farm includes three vintage cars, two barns, three out buildings, and a house that had been hoarded for 14 years by my grieving great-aunt. There are no words to explain the multitude of personal items, clothing, paperwork, farm tools, pictures, and trash that needed to be handled. It was my task to sort through the relics and remnants of seven people’s lives bearing witness to it all.
Discovering and handling the personal items of my ancestors was a daunting task for me. I wanted their lives to be recognized and valued. This was not just ‘stuff’. These were things they purchased or made, used every day, and valued enough to keep. As I worked, I sought to understand them more deeply and all they have passed on to me.
Spending time on the farm for weeks over the summer took me back in time. I felt out of touch with my history and realized how much I didn’t know. My family was never one to talk much about the past and I wished I had asked more questions about their lives, routines, and how they lived. Now there is no one to answer the hundreds of questions I have in my heart.
Magic was in the air as I opened well-packed trunks and went into locked out buildings touching things no one had seen since they were stored 50 years ago. Some questions were answered by paying attention to details, reading letters, and even noting dates on the newspaper breakable items were wrapped in. A story was piecing together one discovery at a time.
Each tool, mixing bowl, letter, and picture revealed the qualities they embodied and valued. Hard work, love of land, irrepressible spirit, spunk and sass are some of the qualities that were obvious. Farming was their life. Gardening, raising cattle and other livestock, and making by hand anything that was needed shaped their days and nights. Everything I found told a story to me about who they were, how they worked and lived.
An especially exciting discovery was finding my great-grandmothers’ well-worn revolver and pistol. This brought to my attention how challenging her life must have been at times. Living on a farm, caring for four children, and her husband, whom was bed ridden for the last 10 years of his life, along with the livestock. Turning these pieces over in my hands, I longed to know when and how she used these guns. Did she shoot at fox when they threatened her chickens and turkeys? Did she brandish her weapon as a warning to defend her property? Did she have to euthanize animals when they fell ill or injured? A strong, determined and capable woman was revealed to me.
Life is much richer now for having discovered these treasures and spent time on our land. My perspective of the world and myself are forever changed. There is also a new priority of passing on this legacy to my daughters. Even though I cannot be certain which stories and treasures will be meaningful to them in the long run, I believe it is my job as a mother to share things with them, the stories behind them, and how they came to be ours. They may seem disinterested at times, and still I share because my heart knows how important this legacy is for them.
I am also realizing and valuing the legacy I am establishing in our current lives. As I walk through our home, I wonder what things will mean the most to them someday. Maybe the wood table we have been dining at for years. Maybe the ring I wear everyday that represents the three of us. Maybe a small rocker by the front door where I always put my purse when I come home. It adds meaning to my life to see now what I will passing on in the future.
I share this to encourage you to look at your life and consider what legacy are you creating and sharing. Your legacy will include things, stories, and qualities. Simple things such as the basket you take to the grocery store or the earrings you wear most of the time could be amazing treasures one day.
There are also stories to be shared. Do you take time to share about your childhood? Or what you know about the generations that came before you? If you have the opportunity, taking time to ask elders in the company of your children about their lives is something not to be missed. Our children have no way to understand the history of how things were unless we tell them. A life before cell phones and the internet has a richness that begs to be passed on so it is not forgotten.
You also create legacy with the way you live your life. How you tackle the hard times, create family traditions, and care for those you love are some of things you will be remembered for one day. It is how we walk in this life that our children will recollect. This hopefully compels us to walk with an authenticity that speaks to who we are in this life.
Each day that passes contributes to legacy. Life may be richer when we see how we are living lives that will one day be a treasured past. It is the mundane we grow blind to in our day-to-day living that shapes what will be remembered the most. Live well, recollect, and pass it on.
Final Day – New Adventure in Costa Rica
September 19, 2013
Our last day in Jaco, Costa Rica was action packed! Dr. Laura Ellis, with medAge, surprised us with an outing to repel down a waterfall at Ocean Ranch Park. Never having done this, my excitement was over the top! And to make it even more fun, we had Go-Pro cameras mounted to our helmets to record the day.
The waterfall was 180 feet tall, which looked quite daunting from the bottom and the top. Our guides were wonderful as well as quick and thorough in prepping us. They could tell we were eager to get started.
The water was cool and refreshing in the humid forest. As I started down, the powerful rush of water around my ankles and feet made keeping my center and balance a challenge. There was a midway point we repelled to one at a time and waited for each other.
By the time, I reached the bottom; I decided 180 feet was not high at all because I was ready to keep going. If there had been more, we all would have gladly jumped at the chance. This waterfall was only enough to ‘wet our whistle’, so to say.
Feeling the looming departure, I was eager for anything and everything I could do to immerse myself in this culture. A friend we made at our local beach bar, Mauro, offered to take me four wheeling in a vintage Land Rover that afternoon. How could I say no?
Off into the woods we went, forging rivers, and deeply gouged roads. The trip felt like an Indiana Jones theme park ride except this was for real. The truck turning this way and that, leaning at 30-40 degree angles as we navigated the terrain was exhilarating. At one point, we stopped to wade in the river we had just crossed. I was impressed when I realized the water was rushing up to my knees.
There were children playing in the water and dogs running around. It was wonderful to be out in the countryside and experience local culture without being catered to as a visitor. To see people being themselves and living their lives in another part of the world is always a wonderful treat for me that fills my heart.
Back to the house, our new friend treated us all to a homemade Italian dinner. Trina, my trainer, had been preparing healthy meals for us all week, each one more delicious than the one before. The fresh, local food she prepared kept us fit, healthy, and energized for every adventure we endeavored to do. However, with this night being our last, all bets were off! Still local and fresh, our friend cooked gnocchi made from scratch with three different sauces and bruschetta. Add a little red wine, and we had a meal to savor and remember.
The last morning was a bit sad knowing it was time for this adventure to end. At the same time, I was eager to return to my beautiful mountains. It is fun for me to look at life as an adventure since you never know what’s around the bend. And it is specific trips, like coming to Costa Rica, that energize my spirit and enthusiasm for life and the world.
When I return to my life after an experience like this, I feel stronger, more confident, empowered, invigorated, alive, free, and undaunted. This feeling can stay with me for days, weeks, or months. A significant part of why I go away is to test, try, find, discover, explore and challenge myself. When I return, I am changed, yet more myself than I was before I went; as if I’ve recovered part of my soul while away.
I feel it in my stride when I walk…my voice when I speak…my perception of the world…the way I hear and can be present to others around me. I am more ‘me’ and yet renewed and rediscovered/uncovered. This feeling is intoxicating and makes me want to plan the next adventure where more of me will be revealed.
Returning to my truest self has been the biggest adventure of the past 5 years and I anticipate for the rest of my life. Because after all, it’s not the destination…it’s the journey that leads us “there” that is the ride.
Many thanks to Dr. Laura Ellis and the medAge team for making this trip possible in every way. It was a self-affirming endeavor that I will always carry with me.
Stay tuned to my blog to see what’s next as the adventure of life continues!
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michele@michelebryanwriter.com
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