Posts in Category: Adventures
Courage of the Heart
December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.
There was the cliché ‘rebound’ guy who bruised my heart, or more accurately my pride, and a couple of others I thought might be a soft spot to land for a moment. Even though not fully in love, each time it was amazing to me that my heart could find the courage to lean in at all. My divorce and the betrayal that came with it had devastated me in ways I did not even think possible. According to onlookers, my survival without institutionalization was good fodder for a movie script. Overall, I truly felt independent, steady on my feet, and safe from real heartbreak.
Imagine my amazement when my heart suddenly took a risk, without my permission, and put me out there, for the first time. At first, I was stunned! After dating so many men and feeling little to nothing in terms of love, I believed I was too guarded, had been through too much trauma, and might not be willing to risk my heart again. As it turns out, my heart was waiting for someone special and I did not see it coming. It was more of a heart to heart recognition rather than a falling in love. I stepped into a relationship of familiarity, laughter, and a connection that amazed me. For several months, it was warm and wonderful; everything I had secretly hoped for and my heart went there willingly.
It is with regret I must report that it did not work out. Call it bad timing, call it a man with commitment issues, call it what you want. One friend even had the love to say to me “he wasn’t that into you”. It did not work out and I was crushed. I had also hoped that with all I had already been through, my heart could not/would not hurt like that again. I cried a river and felt my chest would explode from the pain.
In some ways, I felt leveled again; almost worse than the divorce itself. I was 43, at the time, and wondered how could this be happening? No mental argument or rationalization could ease my pain just as it could not keep me from venturing into love again. I surrendered to the agony and as the tears subsided, I was able to appreciate the courage of the risk I had taken.
The tenacity of the human heart is still unexplainable to me except that I feel our hearts are naturally drawn to others. It has also been said the mind does not retain horror; maybe that explains a lot. All I know is I see others and myself go to hell and back only to rise up and have faith again.
The cynics may say we are gluttons for punishment. I think we are courageous, resilient, and meant to share our lives with another. It was a wonderful surprise to me that as I caught my breath and dried my tears, I could still feel hope inside of me that a true love, well timed, that matches me will appear. If nothing else, loving this man with all my heart had showed me it was possible for my heart to be inspired and just how courageous I truly am.
Maybe next time the timing will be right, maybe he will have the courage to risk as I do, and if not… I am guaranteed to survive, learn more about myself, and most likely try again.
“Courage of the Heart”
A Passage of Time
November 22, 2013
Searching through recipes the other day, desperate for a comforting, healthy soup to make, I was stunned to see how many recipes I actually have in my possession. Even if I chose to cook three times a day, seven days a week for the rest of my life, I could never cook every recipe I have. And given that I definitely do not choose to cook that much, it is highly unlikely that most of these will ever be made.
17 years of being a somewhat traditional stay-at-home mom and wife, I cooked all the time and loved it. I took special pride and pleasure in feeding my family. It was important to me to cook food they would love that I also knew was nourishing their bodies in the best way possible. This was a role I took very seriously.
Standing in my pantry looking at the stacks of somewhat organized recipes, I was stunned and a touch sad. It was a moment of remembering that a phase in my life had definitively passed. Being single for over five years, this wasn’t a new revelation. It was something I had not thought of for a while and it registered deeper this time.
It was a separate realization to experience how it felt from where I stand in my life now. It was wonderful to see that true healing had happened over time. Even one year ago this realization would have hurt more. No one prepared me to handle transitions in life. Daily routines, which you take for granted, may abruptly end without warning. Then suddenly, a time in your life has passed and you can only look back on it. These were the thoughts running through my mind standing in that pantry.
I still miss those days and certainly miss having a house full to cook for; and I really enjoy my time alone now too. I do not miss the pressure of cooking every night. For a single girl, a salad or cheese quesadilla with guacamole is just fine. It is wonderful when my girls are home and ask me to make a special meal for them. And this Thanksgiving, they’ve proposed we cook a special meal together which is even better!
Part of me wanted to purge and recycle most of what was there. Put the past truly behind me into the recycling bin. Then another part spoke and said “leave this for another day” and that felt better. Just because that time is done and I am at peace with it doesn’t mean I’m ready to let it all go. That will be an afternoon of more reminiscing and appreciating the mother I have been and continue to be…in different ways now.
I love that I still have that nurturing cook as a part of me. There have been recent occasions where I had an opportunity to cook for a large table of teens. My heart reveled in cooking, sitting together, and seeing everyone gobble up every bite. If I am honest, there is still part of me that longs for a large family that enjoys gathering together. For all I know, that opportunity may come again and those recipes may be needed.
I think I’ll hang onto them a little longer.
Growing Older is an Adventure
November 8, 2013
Life does not prepare you for the adventure of getting older. Our society worships the vitality, beauty and firmness of youth. We’ve all heard plenty about that, the unrealistic pressure it creates and how we, as a culture, need to respect the maturation process more. I agree and as a result of seeing changes in myself, now believe that change starts at home; or in your own bathroom, as the case has been with me.
It is startling when you see the first grey hair. It even more horrible when you share this discovery your partner, next to you in the bathroom looking in his own mirror, as he calmly states with a chuckle, “If there’s one there’s more.” Devastating. This was no laughing matter. That was ten years ago and I’m sorry to say those grey hairs continue to appear…in various places; disturbing and shocking me every time.
Five years ago, I became a single woman again. Not entirely due to his insensitive comment…let’s just say that didn’t help his case very much. I digress. What I want to share is that the changes have not stopped. In fact they have gained momentum at times leaving me to wonder how I can out run them. “Maybe if I exercise enough, eat well enough, hydrate enough this will stop!” is the thought that runs through my mind.
And there is some truth to that. We can prevent aging even while we are getting older. This means, if we are willing to do the work, we might not have to accept the messages in the commercials for pharmaceuticals preparing us for the inevitable side effects of a ticking clock. Working with Dr. Laura Ellis of medAge has been very helpful in plotting my strategy. (see my previous blogs for more info)
The grey hair was just the first sign of my ticking clock. More changes were coming. Next came the sobering reality that gravity will have its way and things will shift. The best part of my divorce was the weight that I lost due to overwhelming stress and anxiety. That emotional ride stripped me of four clothing sizes. When people ask me how I am the size I am, I tell them it’s called the divorce diet and I don’t recommend it.
The other side of that coin is a smaller body with the same amount of skin that has always been there + gravity = creping. Can you hear me sighing? Yes, too much skin everywhere and I am not interested in going under the knife. I have no judgment about plastic surgery. I’m just not fond of doctors coming at me with sharp objects; especially while I am unconscious. This is not to say I will not surrender someday…its just not the adventure I choose right now.
So I look in the mirror, turning my body this way and that, bending and looking at the truth of what is my body now. At first I was shocked. I’d only seen skin like that on my grandmother. However, I am happy to report that with time, I am making friends with this new ‘condition’. I am loving me as I am and intentionally enjoying the areas without creping since I now know their days are numbered.
So this is just my commentary on a couple of changes to my body and I’ve listed nine in my notes. Don’t worry; I’m not going into all of them. Some are not for public consumption. It’s just to say, at 46, I feel like I am facing many changes and if you are too, hopefully this is helping you to feel better.
Having had my weight fluctuate for most of my life, I’ve often kept an eye to my collarbones. How discernable they were was one indicator for me of how my weight was doing. (I hate scales!!) One day I realized my collarbones were showing all the time even more so without losing weight. At first I thought that was good, until I realized it wasn’t thinness…it was gravity. Everything was shifting to my hips and thighs. Good Goddess! Is there nothing we can count on anymore??
Full-length mirror needed…check. More lunges and squats…check. Remember, this is a fight and I’m not going down easily! And at the same time I appreciate how pretty my neckline looks in pictures from the waist up. Best to enjoy this new attractive feature before something else happens.
For my last getting older adventure share, I have to mention stuff getting caught in your teeth. Seriously?!? No one ever mentioned this as something you can expect as you get older. They don’t even talk about it on tv and there is no exercise I know of that can help. Who knew that your teeth shift as you get older necessitating the practice of checking your teeth every time you eat? Which, by the way, is particularly stressful if you are single and dating as I am. Hear me sigh and add an eye roll. Sure, I’ve flossed in my life…just never as much as I am now. And I certainly never carried it in my purse!
At the same time, I am grateful to have all my teeth and they are more white than not. And there is something I can do about that to offset the red wine staining over time…thank Heaven. It’s the little things that matter more as you mature and become wiser with time.
All in all, I hope you get my point. Humor, love, and self-appreciation are better than Xanax for me any day of the week. I am choosing to get older as gracefully as I can and find it easier to do so if I am honest about the shock I feel at times. Better to get my feelings out in the open rather than have them fester in my mind, descend into my heart and corrode my entire body.
It’s not that I want to look 20. Given a choice, I would choose to keep the wisdom and experience I’ve gained over firmer breasts any day of the week. It’s just that I know this face and body. We’ve been together for 46 years without losing any parts or major injury. I know her. And when I look in the mirror and see changes, I am shocked and sometimes a little frightened of what is coming next.
Then I remember that I’ve loved me more days than not in various sizes and conditions all my life. I can count on me now to love me as the journey continues. This is where respect for elders comes from. It starts at home, looking in your own mirror, loving and appreciating you! Not knowing what’s coming next is just part of the adventure.
Saddle up for the ride because it’s coming whether you like it or not!
Final Day – New Adventure in Costa Rica
September 19, 2013
Our last day in Jaco, Costa Rica was action packed! Dr. Laura Ellis, with medAge, surprised us with an outing to repel down a waterfall at Ocean Ranch Park. Never having done this, my excitement was over the top! And to make it even more fun, we had Go-Pro cameras mounted to our helmets to record the day.
The waterfall was 180 feet tall, which looked quite daunting from the bottom and the top. Our guides were wonderful as well as quick and thorough in prepping us. They could tell we were eager to get started.
The water was cool and refreshing in the humid forest. As I started down, the powerful rush of water around my ankles and feet made keeping my center and balance a challenge. There was a midway point we repelled to one at a time and waited for each other.
By the time, I reached the bottom; I decided 180 feet was not high at all because I was ready to keep going. If there had been more, we all would have gladly jumped at the chance. This waterfall was only enough to ‘wet our whistle’, so to say.
Feeling the looming departure, I was eager for anything and everything I could do to immerse myself in this culture. A friend we made at our local beach bar, Mauro, offered to take me four wheeling in a vintage Land Rover that afternoon. How could I say no?
Off into the woods we went, forging rivers, and deeply gouged roads. The trip felt like an Indiana Jones theme park ride except this was for real. The truck turning this way and that, leaning at 30-40 degree angles as we navigated the terrain was exhilarating. At one point, we stopped to wade in the river we had just crossed. I was impressed when I realized the water was rushing up to my knees.
There were children playing in the water and dogs running around. It was wonderful to be out in the countryside and experience local culture without being catered to as a visitor. To see people being themselves and living their lives in another part of the world is always a wonderful treat for me that fills my heart.
Back to the house, our new friend treated us all to a homemade Italian dinner. Trina, my trainer, had been preparing healthy meals for us all week, each one more delicious than the one before. The fresh, local food she prepared kept us fit, healthy, and energized for every adventure we endeavored to do. However, with this night being our last, all bets were off! Still local and fresh, our friend cooked gnocchi made from scratch with three different sauces and bruschetta. Add a little red wine, and we had a meal to savor and remember.
The last morning was a bit sad knowing it was time for this adventure to end. At the same time, I was eager to return to my beautiful mountains. It is fun for me to look at life as an adventure since you never know what’s around the bend. And it is specific trips, like coming to Costa Rica, that energize my spirit and enthusiasm for life and the world.
When I return to my life after an experience like this, I feel stronger, more confident, empowered, invigorated, alive, free, and undaunted. This feeling can stay with me for days, weeks, or months. A significant part of why I go away is to test, try, find, discover, explore and challenge myself. When I return, I am changed, yet more myself than I was before I went; as if I’ve recovered part of my soul while away.
I feel it in my stride when I walk…my voice when I speak…my perception of the world…the way I hear and can be present to others around me. I am more ‘me’ and yet renewed and rediscovered/uncovered. This feeling is intoxicating and makes me want to plan the next adventure where more of me will be revealed.
Returning to my truest self has been the biggest adventure of the past 5 years and I anticipate for the rest of my life. Because after all, it’s not the destination…it’s the journey that leads us “there” that is the ride.
Many thanks to Dr. Laura Ellis and the medAge team for making this trip possible in every way. It was a self-affirming endeavor that I will always carry with me.
Stay tuned to my blog to see what’s next as the adventure of life continues!
Surfing and Culture in Costa Rica
September 15, 2013
Here I am in Costa Rica on the medAge challenge with Dr. Laura Ellis. My challenge was surfing for the first time in my life, which has gone delightfully well. I owe much to Dr. Ellis and Trina for getting me ready for this endeavor.
The second day of surfing still brought butterflies to my stomach. This surprised me since I had done well the day before and now knew clearly what I was up against. As we head out into the surf, I tell Alain how I am feeling to which he chuckles and reassures me I will be fine. He was right!
He confidently decided to have me ride bigger waves by going farther out. The distance made for a longer ride and gave me a chance to connect more deeply with the experience as a whole.
Alain stayed out in the waves while I rode in and I was able to paddle my way back to him. This meant I was only relying on him to keep me out while the huge waves crashed down on me waiting for the right wave. Without him, the power of the ocean would have easily washed me back to shore like a leaf.
It felt powerful to paddle myself back out through the surf knowing that is the hardest part of the endeavor. Proud is too small of a word to convey my feeling in that moment.
My surf morning ended with me getting silly and meeting a different goal. Having found my balance and security on the board, I playfully “flashed” my bikini top to my crew on shore which was under my surf shirt. My goal for the day was accomplished!
Our time here has also been filled with experiencing local culture; my favorite traveling thing to do. A visit to the local market gave us an opportunity to see, touch, and taste local produce, baked goods, and cheese. To wander through this outdoor weekly market gives you a sense of being ‘local’ with the true locals being very friendly and welcoming.
My favorite cultural study came at a surf competition we attended in Playa Hermosa. We traveled to this neighboring town on a Saturday to sit at the local beach bar, “The Backyard” and watch 20+ surfers compete. They were all young and mainly true locals. We had heard the politics of the competition precluded certain people from entering. This was for a particular genre of surfer.
In a rustic setting with weather worn wooden tables and chairs around the open air bar and scattered around the beach, over 150 people eventually gathered to watch the show. No one could be disappointed to see these young men riding 10-12 foot waves. Riding through tunnels of water, wiping out on peaks of waves, boards popping up out of the water before the rider surfaces made for an exciting show. Having had my own experience, even if a beginning one, made watching them all the more real.
During the competition, I wandered the beach and breathed in the sense of community that surrounded me. People sitting in large groups, taking pictures with each other, dogs running all about, children being tossed into the air and played with, as the setting sun cast a surreal golden glow over everyone. The overall feel was bohemian and dream like at the same time. Every local I interacted with was eager to connect, gracious, and kind. While this community is small, it does not exclude those who are genuinely there to share in the experience.
Today brings a new challenge for us, waterfall repelling. This will another first for me and somehow my nerves are much less knowing we are all doing it together. I am eager to see and experience another eco-system in Costa Rica and share the adventure with you when I blog tomorrow!
First Surf In Costa Rica
September 12, 2013
First day is over and done…and I survived! This seems funny to say now, since it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I had made it up to be in my mind.
We all headed out to the beach around 8AM. First thing, I head to the water to check it out for how cold it feels. After hearing how chilling the Pacific can be, I am thrilled to find the temperature is perfectly comfortable.
Back on shore, Alain, my surfing coach, starts teaching me how to get up on the board and basic safety. He makes everything simple, easy, and fun sounding. I’m still not sure.
With my ankle strapped to the board, we head out over the incoming waves. Alan is right with me, coaching me every step. I lay down on the board, he guides me over a few more strong waves where we watch for the best one to surf. My hands are gripping the board tight.
The ‘best’ wave comes, he turns me around on the board, coaches me to paddle hard, gives a 3-2-1 count down, then says “UP!”. Off I go, I’m up on the board, and stand strong for a few seconds before falling off. I am thrilled and stunned!
Each time got easier and eventually I stayed up for as long as possible. Granted that was only 15 seconds since we are close to shore, and still there’s a smile on my face.
The sense of balance I find with the ocean moving beneath me feels incredible. No wonder people love this so much. My personal strength works with the power of the ocean to create a beautiful dance. Surfing asks you to work with nature; not fighting against it. It is amazing and humbling.
The film crew traveling with us mounted a camera to the front end of my board where my every expression is captured. Watching the footage later at the house, I am laughing at how easy it is to see every feeling on my face. There are also plenty of shots of me clearing snot out of my nose and spitting. So pretty! Needless to say, I had my fair share of ocean water in eyes, nose, and mouth. It’s really not so bad, just got to clear it out and move on.
As well as the first day went, I am guessing that each day will be a little harder, push my edge a bit more, and give me more opportunities to learn. All the same, I am glad to have my initial anxiety gone and understand what this adventure is asking of me.
Eventually I will find where my limit is and for now, I am just relaxing in the day knowing the first hurdle has been cleared!
The Nature of Adventure
September 10, 2013
When you choose adventure, you need to be ready for whatever comes down the road. It may feel good. It may feel strange. It may feel awful. The guarantee is that you will feel something and learn more about yourself and life. That is why it’s an adventure!
Recently, while on a short vacation with my daughters, an unexpected call came. It was a friend offering me an amazing opportunity. She wanted to know if I would be willing to go to Costa Rica, be taught to surf, and blog about my experiences with the company that was organizing this trip, medAge and Dr. Laura Ellis.
To say I was stunned is the least of it. This offer was the answer to many questions and prayers that had been on my mind and heart all summer:
• I was curious about some changes in my physical body. Why do I feel so tired? And noticing changes in my cycle? Am I going into pre-menopause? Why does my body look and feel different when there is little to no weight gain?
Part of the offer would include full body blood work including hormones. Check!
• My work out routine had become boring and uninspiring. I craved a new goal, outside support and guidance, and perspective on how and why my body was changing.
A trainer and nutritionist was also part of the deal. Check!
• Since being on my own, each year I’ve had a traveling adventure on my own. This year, financial resources went to buying my youngest a used car for college and taking the three of us on a long overdue vacation. It seemed my personal adventure would wait till 2014.
Now, a trip to Costa Rica (where I’ve never been) was being offered to me. Check!
I pinched myself often over the next 24 hours while I contemplated this opportunity. How could I say no? Everything I had been asking for was there and the only answer was “YES!”
Training with Trina
Over the past weeks, I’ve been preparing for this trip, with the strong support of Dr. Laura Ellis and her team at medAge, and getting geared up to surf in the Pacific Ocean. A gift had been given and now it was time for me to ante up and do my part.
Nutritional guidelines and a strong exercise routine were in order. Even when I was out of town on family business in rural Kentucky for a week, I took my balance ball and free weights with me. Getting up early every morning to continue my workouts and maintain my fitness for this adventure felt crucial. I did it.
Now as the departure draws near, I am facing my fears and concerns. Can I really do this? I’ve never tried anything other than a wave board in the ocean. What will I face? How will I feel?
Then I remember how that this IS the adventure! It is the unknown, the uncontrollable and unpredictable. It felt right in my heart when I made this decision and so I am surrendering to what will be in Costa Rica.
After all, it’s not like I’m a pioneer headed west with the possibility of Indians scalping me. These risks are calculated and minimal. And they are real for me.
You don’t get a chance to be brave until you’re afraid.
This girl is saddling up and heading to Costa Rica for a date with a surfboard!
I hope you’ll follow my journey and find inspiration for your own adventure.
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michele@michelebryanwriter.com
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