Posts in Category: Parenting
Mommy, Is There a Santa Claus?
December 20, 2013
This is the question no parent wants to hear. Probably second only to “Where do babies come from?” The magic of childhood, which includes the magic of Christmas, can be over way too soon. As parent, I wanted to preserve my girls’ childhood for as long as possible knowing they had forever to be adults.
I know parents who took the approach of ‘not wanting to lie to their children’ or believing ‘they are very mature for their age and need to know the truth’. It is not my style to critique others’ parenting preferences. I just happened to have a different perspective and plan for raising my girls.
If you are a parent who has perpetuated the magic of Santa and Christmas for as long as possible, you may wonder when and how will it end. “What will I say when they ask me? I don’t want to lie to them. I don’t want them to think I’ve lied all these years. What will I do???” (Cue ‘deer in headlights’ expression) While I cannot predict when the time will come and what is best for you and your children, I can share how it went down in my home.
When they were young, we went full in. Cookies left out for Santa and bags of reindeer food; letters written to Santa and visits to see him (or maybe one of his helpers); and even our tradition of Santa Mouse. (Check the book out here if you’re curious) As they approached school age, I could see my oldest begin to wonder a bit. She would ask questions designed to figure out Santa’s logistics with her newfound intelligence and discerning mind. My reply was always, “What do you think?” She delighted in exploring all the possible ideas and solutions to the questions she had posed. I smiled, listened, and nodded.
There were times, I admit, I resorted to guerilla tactics such as, “If you don’t believe, he might not come! And you don’t want to test that do you??” This may have been evilness with a sacred purpose. Nothing would thwart my preservation of childhood.
At some point, it became clear their doubts were mounting. My pivotal moment came with the question “Mommy do you REALLY believe in Santa Claus?” Whew! I felt like I had dodged a bullet because to this question I could honestly say yes. As the conversation continued, I sensed an opportunity to introduce a new perspective.
It was beautiful to be able to honestly say to my girls that I do believe. I shared with them that the magic of Christmas I had felt as a little girl had evolved over time and never gone away. My understanding of Santa and Christmas magic had grown and changed, and yet I still believed.
I believe in the magic of the season, the gift of love and return of light that has been celebrated for thousands and thousands of years. There are miracles that I still see and experience without fail every single year. I also told them it was important to believe with all their heart, every year without fail, so they could stay open to the magic that would touch their hearts forever. And if they continued to keep the magic of Christmas alive in their hearts, Santa would no doubt keep coming to our house.
There were no more questions after that. They seemed satisfied and happy to continue to believe. It was a blessing for my heart to see my children easily transition into an evolved understanding of Santa and the magic of Christmas. This was just one of many perspectives on the world that I hoped they would inherit. In my heart, I never lied to them at all. We all believe and Santa still comes to our house every year…he just brings a little less.
Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
~Unsigned editorial in response to the letter from eight year-old Virginia O’Hanlon, published September 21,1897.
Holidays Alone
December 13, 2013
Divorce and separation force some parents into facing an inevitable holiday alone. My first rocked my sense of self and capacity for happiness on a day that had always brought me so much joy. After a lifetime of magical holiday celebrations, it was unfathomable to me that I could be spending one, more or less, ‘alone’.
When I separated over five years ago, we sought to keep that first holiday season as similar as possible. It was not even close to being the same, yet we made an effort to all be together and soften the blow of what had come to pass. The years that followed found me holding change at bay with all my might and yet, deep inside I knew it would eventually come to pass that I would be on my own for one or many.
This compelled me to look at holidays, as well as other special occasions, and ask myself what they really mean to me. Is it the actual day itself? Can togetherness be shared on any day we choose? What does each holiday truly represent for me and how can I celebrate on my own? These questions took me deep and led me to finding a sense of peace and self-understanding no one can take from me.
There also came a deeper understanding of others. As much pain as I felt, I recognized there were countless others who were suffering much greater loss than I was experiencing. What must they be feeling? I found myself with a new appreciation, understanding, and compassion for those people and their pain.
A dear friend brought still yet another perspective to my attention. As I lamented out loud my loss of family and the pending holidays, my unmarried, childless friend looked me straight in the eye and stated, “At least you had it once.” The shock of an unseen angle coursed through my body. I felt embarrassed by my lack of acknowledgement and gratitude. Now my grief had a new meaning. It had been a privilege to experience something wonderful even if I did miss it now.
On Thanksgiving morning this year, as my girls drove away to be with their father and his family, my heart clenched in my chest for a brief time and then it passed. We had been together for several wonderful days and cooked our holiday meal together the night before. Reflecting on our shared time warmed me through and melted the lump in my heart. This has not always been that easy for me.
Holidays are different because I have chosen to make them that way. The time I do have with my daughters is extra precious. The time alone can be filled with friends, good football with chips and guacamole, bonfires with myself, or walks with my beloved dog, Magic. Holidays can be sacred and beautiful even when they are not filled and defined by the presence of my children. And it gets easier with each passing year.
Holiday Survival Guide
December 6, 2013
Buckle up parents…the holidays are here! Some of us smile and dance; others sigh deeply and wonder how we will ever get it all done. The societal expectations of the season, fed by Martha Stewart specials and unending commercials displaying ‘perfect’ holiday scenarios can delude the strongest of minds. And I have good news! There is a way to unplug and reclaim your holiday for you and your family to truly enjoy, so read on!
As a mother, and a very young one when I started, I had ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself. Growing up, my holidays had been very magical more often than not. I endeavored to create the same magic, warmth and wonderment for my family. It did not occur to me that I had been an only child being raised by my mother and her family, which included three other adults. My expectations of myself were totally unrealistic given there was only one of me and yet it took a few emotional meltdowns before I could see that.
The revelation came mid-crying jag alone in my bedroom. I had been trying to do everything I normally did (which was already a very full life) AND add all the holiday stuff…cards, decorating trees, shopping, baking, etc… Was I crazy?? Who did I think I was…superwoman?? From that moment on things began to change as I gave myself permission to pick and choose holiday endeavors. After all, what’s a wonderful Norman Rockwell ambiance if Mama is looking like a deer in headlights with red, swollen eyes? Not pretty.
If you are interested in making your holiday one that is truly full of peace and joy rather than stress and exhaustion, here are some of my ideas:
• Take time to consider what is most important to you. Shape holiday plans around your self and your family rather than ‘shoulds’ from your extended family, church, community, etc…
• If children are school age and older, include them in the decision making by asking them “What do you like most about the holidays?” “Is there anything about the holidays you don’t enjoy?” Consider their answers, they are full of wisdom, and let them know about plans once they are made.
• If you have younger children, consider putting your tree or other holiday decorations up later in the month to delay their excitement and unbearable anticipation. You can also delay putting presents under the tree. Their lack of concept of time can make a month seem like forever.
• If traveling, try to have your own space where you can wind down and take a break. Plan outside activities with only your child in mind that are not centered around others. This reestablishes your personal family ‘center’ which is very grounding.
• Be willing to use TV consciously to serve your interests. It can help children to unwind, at times, and is a quiet way to spend time together just ‘being’, snuggled up watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
• My favorite decision was no cooking on the day we put up the tree. Ordering pizza freed me to enjoy every moment along with everyone else. Resentment rectified!
• I eliminated sending Christmas cards in favor of using that time to bake with my children, which took more time than doing it on my own. While I missed connecting with friends, I loved the slower pace with one less ‘to do’on my list. Some families I know send cards and connect with friends on other holidays, such as Thanksgiving or Valentine’s when there is less to do.
• Leave some space in the holiday schedule…don’t plan every minute. Leave room for spontaneous fun, such as an afternoon movie as a family.
My last and maybe most important suggestion is a post holiday debriefing that includes everyone in your home. Talking about the holiday, what everyone loved the most and least, what plans worked well and which didn’t, were new traditions created, and which do you never want to do again…etc.
This can be humorous and fun as you look back over the season and learn more about what truly makes you and your family happy. It’s best to do this before the New Year and write down what you discover. By the time the calendar turns round again, the joys and horrors of the previous year will strangely be forgotten.
Over the years I learned from my mistakes and created wonderful memories with my family. The changes I made were not all easy and the peace they gave my heart allowed me to be fully present with my family. That made it all worthwhile.
What changes will you make this season to retain your sanity?
What do you do different from others that makes a difference in your home?
There’s a million ways to roll through December and I would love to hear from you!
The Need to Fix
November 22, 2013
Last week, I wrote about how we, as parents, can change our behavior to stop reinforcing procrastination patterns in our children. It is exhausting to feel like we must constantly be the push – the gas – the main one that motivates things to happen. I’m a big fan of energy conservation and have experienced that putting some effort into shifting a pattern ultimately saves tons of energy once it’s alleviated.
My suggestions last week focused on how we change our behavior to shift the pattern. This week I’m going deeper and looking at some reasons behind the need to fix, save, and rescue. I’m going past the behavior to the root of the problem. Why do some parents have a constant ‘need to fix’?
To begin to understand why you feel this need to control things in your home, it can be helpful, in a quiet moment, to ask yourself if this need to make everything ‘right’ is for their sake or yours. Starting to understand the ‘why’ behind your actions can ultimately help you to let go of this previously unconscious drive.
Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, shares the idea that children are always thinking, feeling, and deciding. This is how they learn. Truth is, we as parents are too. Look back on a moment where you know you were ‘running the show’ unnecessarily and kindly ask yourself “What was I thinking? Feeling? Deciding?”
You may discover that the agenda is about your comfort and needing things to be a certain way for your sake. You may discover unconscious fears about what will happen if your child does not do things a certain way. Or you may find you are trying to prevent emotions or behaviors from happening that are difficult for you.
No matter what you find as the truth inside, be gentle with yourself. A harsh, critical inventory can do more harm than good. The softer approach of a caring inquiry will pave the way for change. The answers you find will give you the key to shifting the ‘need to fix’ pattern at the root rather than constantly making the effort the change your actions. Similar to constantly tearing at a weed over and over rather than getting it by the root. More energy conservation!
Undoing patterns of overdoing and fixing are helpful to creating a home where children and adults have the freedom to be themselves. Homes are welcoming places when each family member knows their individual thoughts and feelings will be honored. This encourages children to know themselves…their thoughts, feelings and decisions so they can develop self-esteem. Giving them space, allowing mistakes and natural consequences to play out, teaches our children far more than the million words we could speak.
Taking the time to look within and grow brings gifts to everyone you live with in addition to yourself. In my opinion, we are always growing alongside our children. Parenting stretches us to be better people and model self-love and self-care. Children have the opportunity to see their parents make mistakes and grow through them is the best model of all.
How do handle the ‘need to fix’ inside of you?
What’s your best advice for learning to let go?
Share with a comment today and we will all be growing together!
Do Procrastinating Children Make You Crazy?
November 15, 2013
At long last, here is my response to the suggested topic of how to handle patterns of procrastination in children of all ages. The request specifically asked about Kindergarten age children getting dressed in the car on the way to school, which starts a pattern that results in teenagers not filling out college applications until two weeks after graduation. There isn’t a parent on the planet who hasn’t encountered these situations and yes, there is a solution!
You may be surprised to hear my solution resides within us, the parents. It is our job to lead and respond to our children in such a way that we help them develop a sense of self-responsibility and accountability. How do we do that? By setting boundaries and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions and choices. Here’s the tricky part, we do this by saying very little…. difficult I know.
This may be easiest to explain by using the examples that were suggested. Let’s look at getting dressed in the car on the way to school. It is easy to imagine the events that lead up to this happening. A long tortuous morning of fussing, persuading, children ignoring, parents eventually ranting, ending with clothes gathered up, thrown in the car with the child and a lecture all the way to school with empty threats of “we’re not doing this again”.
If children keep repeating a pattern, it is because it is ‘working’ for them. There is something they are getting from the pattern playing out that meets a need they have. It could be a sense of power or a need for attention, even if it is not positive attention. It is our job as parents, to look at ourselves and how we can change our responses to shift the pattern.
Discussing the frustrating pattern at a calm time is a good place to start. Expressing your frustration, asking them how they feel when the pattern plays out, and asking them for ideas on how this can be made better gets everyone involved in creating the solution. It helps to prepare them for your change in behavior by telling them ahead time what you will do differently. This gives your child appropriate attention and power.
Your true power as a parent lies not in what you can ‘make’ them do, which is very little. Your power resides with you deciding what you will and will not do, communicating this in advance, and following through. No empty words without the resolve to stand behind them.
Maybe you decide that there will be no more dressing in the car. Instead you will take them to school in their pajamas and let them experience the consequences. This works best when you involve their teacher in the plan so you have the teacher’s understanding and cooperation. Parents I know who have taken this approach have experienced that it only happens one or two times before the child decides this is not how they want to go to school. Peers will tease or maybe they miss recess because they are not dressed appropriately. These are natural consequences.
There are also the options of no breakfast or privileges in the morning until they are dressed. This again gives them the power to decide. Although I am not a fan of TV, there are those families who allow it in the morning and use that as an incentive to get children up and rolling. No TV until you are dressed. You know what motivates your child. So risk a tantrum, which may come the first time or two you assert your power, to help shift a pattern that makes you crazy!
The approach is similar with teens, which in my opinion are very much like toddlers in bigger bodies with more hormones. They need boundaries.
Boundaries = being clear about what you will and will not do.
It is important for parents to be the adults and guide children to choices that will ultimately feel good.
You want your teenagers to fill out those college applications. You don’t want them to live with you forever. Use this to motivate you to face the fire when you tell them there will be no going out this weekend until they show you a completed application. It may be unpleasant being in your house with a disgruntled teen, and this is parenting. Ultimately, they will feel relieved when the dreaded task is behind them. You help them to get there by holding a line.
Again, discussion of this plan during a calm moment is usually best. It allows them to reason (as much as they can with an imbalanced adolescent brain) and not be surprised when you suddenly change your approach. It is also important that when the boundary is being held, you hold your tongue as well. The lecturing, ranting and raving are accomplishing nothing, I promise. They will tune out, shut down, and not be able to process their feelings. In order to begin to make different choices, they need an opportunity to process their experience. So hush, hold the line, get out of the way, and let them feel.
Next week, I’ll write about some of the unconscious motivators we, as parents, may be dealing with that lead to us ‘fixing’ everything and rescuing our children at every turn. Till then, I would love to hear from you!
What tactics have you utilized to shift patterns of procrastination?
How do you motivate your children to get out the door in the morning or finish their homework/college application?
We all learn from others experiences, so share yours with us today!
Legacy – Finding and Creating It
November 8, 2013
This summer I embarked on a project for my family I had been anticipating for 15 years. The time had come to assume stewardship of a 40-acre farm that has been in my family for nearly 100 years. What I did not foresee is the amazing legacy it would introduce me to and meld into my soul.
The farm includes three vintage cars, two barns, three out buildings, and a house that had been hoarded for 14 years by my grieving great-aunt. There are no words to explain the multitude of personal items, clothing, paperwork, farm tools, pictures, and trash that needed to be handled. It was my task to sort through the relics and remnants of seven people’s lives bearing witness to it all.
Discovering and handling the personal items of my ancestors was a daunting task for me. I wanted their lives to be recognized and valued. This was not just ‘stuff’. These were things they purchased or made, used every day, and valued enough to keep. As I worked, I sought to understand them more deeply and all they have passed on to me.
Spending time on the farm for weeks over the summer took me back in time. I felt out of touch with my history and realized how much I didn’t know. My family was never one to talk much about the past and I wished I had asked more questions about their lives, routines, and how they lived. Now there is no one to answer the hundreds of questions I have in my heart.
Magic was in the air as I opened well-packed trunks and went into locked out buildings touching things no one had seen since they were stored 50 years ago. Some questions were answered by paying attention to details, reading letters, and even noting dates on the newspaper breakable items were wrapped in. A story was piecing together one discovery at a time.
Each tool, mixing bowl, letter, and picture revealed the qualities they embodied and valued. Hard work, love of land, irrepressible spirit, spunk and sass are some of the qualities that were obvious. Farming was their life. Gardening, raising cattle and other livestock, and making by hand anything that was needed shaped their days and nights. Everything I found told a story to me about who they were, how they worked and lived.
An especially exciting discovery was finding my great-grandmothers’ well-worn revolver and pistol. This brought to my attention how challenging her life must have been at times. Living on a farm, caring for four children, and her husband, whom was bed ridden for the last 10 years of his life, along with the livestock. Turning these pieces over in my hands, I longed to know when and how she used these guns. Did she shoot at fox when they threatened her chickens and turkeys? Did she brandish her weapon as a warning to defend her property? Did she have to euthanize animals when they fell ill or injured? A strong, determined and capable woman was revealed to me.
Life is much richer now for having discovered these treasures and spent time on our land. My perspective of the world and myself are forever changed. There is also a new priority of passing on this legacy to my daughters. Even though I cannot be certain which stories and treasures will be meaningful to them in the long run, I believe it is my job as a mother to share things with them, the stories behind them, and how they came to be ours. They may seem disinterested at times, and still I share because my heart knows how important this legacy is for them.
I am also realizing and valuing the legacy I am establishing in our current lives. As I walk through our home, I wonder what things will mean the most to them someday. Maybe the wood table we have been dining at for years. Maybe the ring I wear everyday that represents the three of us. Maybe a small rocker by the front door where I always put my purse when I come home. It adds meaning to my life to see now what I will passing on in the future.
I share this to encourage you to look at your life and consider what legacy are you creating and sharing. Your legacy will include things, stories, and qualities. Simple things such as the basket you take to the grocery store or the earrings you wear most of the time could be amazing treasures one day.
There are also stories to be shared. Do you take time to share about your childhood? Or what you know about the generations that came before you? If you have the opportunity, taking time to ask elders in the company of your children about their lives is something not to be missed. Our children have no way to understand the history of how things were unless we tell them. A life before cell phones and the internet has a richness that begs to be passed on so it is not forgotten.
You also create legacy with the way you live your life. How you tackle the hard times, create family traditions, and care for those you love are some of things you will be remembered for one day. It is how we walk in this life that our children will recollect. This hopefully compels us to walk with an authenticity that speaks to who we are in this life.
Each day that passes contributes to legacy. Life may be richer when we see how we are living lives that will one day be a treasured past. It is the mundane we grow blind to in our day-to-day living that shapes what will be remembered the most. Live well, recollect, and pass it on.
Save the Drama for Your Mama – Part 2
June 22, 2013
Thanks again to my friend Liz for her suggestion for these posts:
“How to handle a 16 year old drama queen! My parents never figured that out with me. Now I know all too painfully why.”
Wow…I feel you girl! This is truly a moment for Courageous Parenting!
(Here’s a brief recap from last week’s post “Save the Drama for Your Mama”– Part 1)
We bring these beautiful beings into the world, love them with all our hearts, and then there are moments where we wonder what has incarnated before our very eyes. My parenting perspective is that a large part of our job is to see, appreciate, and make room for our children to be exactly who they are. That being said, it is also our job to teach them how to live with consideration for others.
We teach them this delicate balance with our responses to them. Ideally, we hold respect for them and model respect for ourselves at the same time. Most important is that all this be done while conveying our love for them. Our response sets the stage for how they experience themselves and help to shape their actions and reactions.
Last week, I shared practical approaches for handling intense emotional situations with our children. The ideas were to:
1. check our response to make sure we do not match their intensity;
2. discuss strategies and behavior management during calm moments well after the drama has subsided.
There is another perspective we can take when our children exhibit patterns of behavior that drive us crazy. This perspective supports you to embrace your role as a parent as a catalyst for your personal and spiritual growth. It is the perspective of seeing them as a mirror of your self.
My friend Liz shared that she too had been a drama queen when she was young. If we recognize that behavior in our present or past, that recognition alone is huge clue that we may have something personal to gain from living with our own drama queen or king. Here’s how it works:
1. Do an overview of your current life and behavior. Are you inadvertently modeling this in your own way?
2. Make a list of all their behaviors that annoy, frustrate, or anger you around this pattern. Then read the list to your self replacing their name with yours. Recognize anything? Feel anything? If not, this may not be a mirror for you. However, keep the list so you can refer to it again at another time to double-check your reaction and insight.
With these suggestions, you are looking for ways they may be modeling things for you that you don’t like about yourself. Even when your behavior is not exactly the same as theirs, there could be similarities that you will discover.
Another possibility for spiritual growth is that this situation could be offering you an opportunity for healing. Maybe your child is behaving in a way you did when you were younger. Maybe you secretly (or not so secretly) detested your self for who you were at that time and simply had no tools for how to change. Living with this behavior in front of you is an opportunity to feel compassion for them and for your self when that was you. Finding peace with who you were at that time can magically help you to feel more peace in the present with your own child. Compassion rather than criticism is a beautifully healing balm.
This type of self-inventory is not easy; hence the need for Courageous Parenting. It is however, in my experience some of the most enriching work I have ever done. It has resulted in a multitude of gifts for my children and myself. I did not have to directly communicate any of my realizations to them. The work I did for myself changed me as a person and made me a better parent. They were living in the results of my loving myself more and feeling compassion for them and myself. A true gift for everyone!
I welcome comments from anyone who wants to share their experiences with drama in their homes and with their children. Hearing others experience and perspective helps us all to grow more. After all, we can only live one life at a time and there is so much to be gained from the experience of others!
Save the Drama for Your Mama
June 14, 2013
Thanks to my friend Liz for her suggestion for this week’s post:
“How to handle a 16 year old drama queen! My parents never figured that out with me. Now I know all too painfully why.”
Wow…I feel you girl! This is truly a moment for Courageous Parenting!
We bring these beautiful beings into the world, love them with all our hearts, and then there are moments where we wonder what has incarnated before our very eyes. My parenting perspective is that a large part of our job is to see, appreciate, and make room for our children to be exactly who they are. That being said, it is also our job to teach them how to live with consideration for others.
We teach them this delicate balance with our responses to them. Ideally, we hold respect for them and model respect for ourselves at the same time. Most important is that all this be done while conveying our love for them. Our response sets the stage for how they experience themselves and help to shape their actions and reactions.
My first piece of advice is do not elevate your response to match their drama; hold to your own center. You don’t need to say a word for your calm energy to convey to them that this is not as serious as they are experiencing it to be. Your standing in the truth helps anchor them. There are tricks to doing this if you find this challenging.
One of mine is to regard them as if I were watching a movie. My poker face is turned on, I am listening, being present, and waiting to see where this ‘plot’ is going. Not every situation requires immediate action. In fact, if it is not a true emergency (your assessment…not theirs) your response can take minutes, hours, or sometimes days. It’s okay. Wisdom takes time.
This can start when they are very young. As an example, when they fall or hurt themselves, control your reaction. Your calm disposition conveys faith in them.
“Oh sweetie, you fell down…are you okay?”
How many times have we seen children fall, break something, or make a mess only to immediately look to their parents for a reaction. They are looking to us to see what their response needs to be. Acknowledging their situation, calmly expressing empathy, and asking questions helps them to self assess and reassures them.
Even if your children are older, it is never too late to change how we respond to their reactions to their lives. Detachment is key. It is their life, their emotional body, not ours after all.
My advice for tantrums and tirades starts from the same place…detachment. You can make space for their feelings and not have to get involved energetically or emotionally. You can acknowledge they are having a tough time, ask if there is something you can offer to help, and then step away. Many times too much attention is fuel to the fire and reinforces the behavior.
My second piece of advice is to talk about what happens during these dramatic moments during a non-dramatic moment. This is an opportunity for you to share about your feelings and experiences, set boundaries for future dramatic moments, or help them to discover understanding about their behavior.
“So Susan/Bobby…you were really upset yesterday when you couldn’t go to the pool with your friends.”
“Yeah.”
“I felt frustrated seeing you so upset and unable to settle your self down. Is there anything I can do to help when you feel like that? ”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, let me know if you think of anything. Until then, I will probably walk away and give you space to have your feelings until you are ready to calm down. I love you and want to help. When I can’t, I will take some space for myself.”
In this way, you have set the stage to care for yourself and hold a healthy boundary. This is modeling self-respect and you have respected them by not asking them to change who they are. You can also ask them to go to their room in the future when they are feeling this way so they can emote and the family can continue with dinner, homework, etc… This too models respect for everyone.
Creating agreements during calm moments sets the stage for what will happen the next time this happens…and we know it will happen. When the drama ensues, you can acknowledge, empathize with calm words, then gently remind them of the agreements that were made.
“I see how upset you are. Do you remember our agreement for you to go to your room when you feel this way?”
The most important part of all is to do all the above with love in your heart. You can love them; you don’t have to fix them. Words spoken from the heart have remarkable results and are like balm on an open wound.
Check in next week for Part 2 of Save the Drama for Your Mama where I explore the personal and spiritual growth opportunities in challenging situations with our children.
Turn In The Road
May 24, 2013
Today I packed the last school lunch of my parenting career. I thoughtfully made her sandwich, tucked it into Tupperware, added some snacks, and wrote a love note for good measure wishing her a wonderful last day of high school. The tears burned in the back of my eyes and did not fall. Then we drove to school together for the last time.
The funny thing is packing lunches is one of the tasks of motherhood that I detested the most through the years. As a result, I taught my girls to pack their own lunches early in their school careers. I started training them in first grade and by second grade they were completing this job unsupervised. Protein, fruit, and vegetable, I would hear them double checking just as I had taught them.
This year, knowing it was my last, I heartfully packed her lunch every day. Each day was an opportunity to fill her lunch sack with my love and caring as I sent her out into the world. It is interesting to me how our perspective can shift over time. This was no longer a chore I dreaded; it was a task I cherished. And now it is complete.
They told me the years would roll by faster than I could imagine and I believed them. “Them” being my mother, grandmother, and every other person from an older generation who had raised children. Still, I could not fully understand this until now. Treasuring each moment of every morning this week, knowing a chapter in my life was coming to a close. There are no words to describe the fullness in my chest and the mixture of emotions running through me.
There will be more special moments, chapters closing and opening, and more days of celebration in the years ahead. And I know that when she accepts that diploma on Saturday, whether inside or outside, I will cry.
My tears are filled with wonderful memories of all the days we drove to school and back. Days where the drive was silent and others filled with arguments so loud I chose to pull over and get out of the car until things simmered down. (One of the times I pulled to the side of the road, a highway patrol officer pulled over to make sure we were okay. Needless to say, that kept them well behaved in the car for weeks!) There were days prepping for vocabulary tests forgotten till the moment we walked out the door and others where the sanctuary of my Volvo wagon provided a place to discuss the secrets of their hearts.
I am grateful for all those days now and even more grateful for the opportunity to share in Kate’s last day of high school. Her sister was driving herself on her last day, so this was not an experience I had with her.Today, Kate was driving me and yet we were together.
I know this is merely a turn in the road for us and there are many more memories to be made ahead. And this knowing does not prevent the tears from welling up. The pain in my chest is a welcome reminder of the love we share and the privilege it is to be a mother and share in their lives so intimately.
Resisting Over Parenting
May 17, 2013
Don’t do anything for a child that the child can do for him/herself.
~Positive Discipline Jane Nelsen
Easier said than done, in my humble opinion. At the same time, a goal I find worthy of my effort whenever I remember this sage advice.
After reading the recent New York Times article, “When Helping Hurts” by Eli J. Finkel, I was thinking how this applies no matter the age of your child. Whether they are 4 or 24. I am not aware of ever having a met a parent who had the goal of hurting their children. And yet, there are loving actions that can ultimately have that outcome if we are not attuned to what is truly needed.
My style is to rescue, rush to make ‘right’, spare my children discomfort and pain. Some times it is motivated by the need to make them feel better and, to be honest, sometimes it’s my own control issue about how and when something gets done. Either way I interfere with them learning and developing life skills for themselves.
When I am disentangled, I realize these situations are offering them opportunities to develop their own problem solving skills, experience the law of cause and effect, and build self-esteem. As a parent, why would I interfere with those wonderful outcomes?
“Well…I don’t mean to, it’s just that….” Can you feel me blushing and fumbling for a reason??
I mean, we are responsible for preparing them to live independent lives…right?
Here is where courage comes in. Breathing into my heart, I ask “what is mine to do here?” This is tough when I see so clearly how and when it needs to be done or they are wailing with disappointment that is growing into despair. My advice on both counts is ‘give it a minute’.
In truth, my daughters often show me a multitude of ways that things can be accomplished. Mine is NOT the only way from point A to point B. I grow as much as they do when I get out of the way.
Truly I love doing for my girls. There are times when it is appropriate to fly in, my Super Mom cape flapping the breeze behind me, and save the day! They love it and my ego does too.
Then there are those ‘in between’ times. These are times when guidance is needed and it is possible to assist without taking over. Asking rather than telling is a great tool I use in these circumstances. By asking questions with a point in mind, children get to discover answers for themselves. This gets them to think for themselves rather than me filling their brain with ‘what I know’. This is especially helpful with teens who are programmed to tune out most of what you say anyway.
Here are some examples of asking rather than telling:
• What do you think will happen if you pour the milk holding the jug with your teeth?
• Is there enough time to complete that college application by tomorrow and see the band tonight?
• Will you be warm enough without your coat?
• Do you think the cat enjoys being thrown across the room?
I’m being funny with some of those…obviously…and I hope those ideas get your brain rolling with how this could work for you.
It’s exhausting as a parent to be in charge all the time. I encourage you to embrace moments where you can step back or let go completely. Watch your children grow and see what amazing beings they are growing into. Yes, a 2 year old can scramble eggs with supervision and an 18 year old can complete her college application on her own, with me in the next room available if needed. School aged children can pack their own lunches, with some guidance and a teenager can walk into a place of business and apply for a job, on their own, with some helpful question prepping ahead of time. It always helps to add in a verbal “I believe in you!” for encouragement.
How do you inspire confidence and capability in your children?
What was the hardest thing you had to let go of and let them figure out?
What did your child do as a result that surprised you?
Connect with Michele
michele@michelebryanwriter.com
Follow Courageous Parenting
Follow Adventures from the Middle of the Road