Posts in Category: Parenting
Moments That Capture Your Heart
May 6, 2013
In life and in work we have hours, minutes, plans and obligations. But love stops the clock. Love is time out of time. In it we measure things not in terms of what we have done, must do, or how soon or late we will do them, but in terms of bliss – of being suspended in a state where time and obligations are irrelevant.
This is one of love’s greatest gifts: that it connects us with the endless eternal; it acquaints us with the beauty of timelessness.
~From 365 Days of Love By Daphne Rose Kingma
Moments can take your breath away. Time stands still. Life stops in its tracks.
To pause and allow your heart to be fully captured in this timelessness refreshes, invigorates, and nurtures you.
The moment can be profound by what it is or what it is not. It could be hearing words from another you have always longed to hear or as simple as looking up through your sunroof at an ideal moment to catch a glimpse of the full moon with a beautiful star hovering just beneath. It could be a peaceful, joy filled family dinner at the end of a hectic day or a spontaneous adventure to splash in puddles in the rain with your children.
These are moments filled with love. When I pause, recognize this is a gift, and breath it in…. my heart is fed, enlivened and forever blessed by a moment in time. How easy it is to miss a moment in the flurry of life, business obligations, mental preoccupations, running ‘to-do’ lists in my head, looking to the next thing of the day rather than being present
Parenting offers a multitude of timeless moments that are easy to overlook. When my girls were little, I had the privilege of being a stay at home mom. This meant I was with them all day every day and yet days could go by without me taking a moment to breathe them in and enjoy our time together. It was all too easy to be consumed by the diapers to wash, rooms to clean, meals to prepare, and errands to run.
Realizing I was missing out on something rich, I committed to set aside a specific amount of time each day to fully immersed myself in them. The phone was not answered and no chores were done. Fully present to them, all our hearts were fed.
Soon this translated into the stolen moments I found for myself. Occasionally, I would go out for a few hours in the evening alone to get some ‘down time’. There were times I would return and feel none the better for my time away. On other nights, I would allow myself to pause and truly relish the silence, bask in the ease of hearing my own inner voice, and embrace the luxury of languishing in my own thoughts and feelings. These were moments that fed my heart because they were filled with love and I would return to my family with my cup full and ready to give again.
My daughters are now grown and life is not as hectic as it once was for me. Still, I find it important to remind myself to pause and breathe in the beautiful moments. My heart is deeply blessed when I fully embrace time shared with my girls, even a simple chatty breakfast before we all head out into the day. Knowing I allowed this time into my heart reassures me that the moment may be forgotten along the way and yet my heart will hold it forever.
What moments in your life truly feed you? Bring bliss to your existence?
It only takes a moment to pause, notice the simple beauty you are surrounded with, and breathe it into your heart where it will live forever.
I encourage you to find at least one moment this week to let time stop, breathe it in, and see what a difference it makes in your world. Then share it here so we can all be blessed by your moment in time!
Finding the Gift in Hard Times
April 19, 2013
Life has its challenges. No one is exempt from disappointments and hard times. How do we come through these moments and phases of our lives without hardening our hearts? After the emotions have cleared, how do we reconcile within so we do not bear a scar? AND how do we teach this to our children? It’s all in how we respond to what is happening from the inside and on the outside.
When something victimizing happens, it does not have to make you a victim. You can choose to respond with your heart and your Divine inner power to find the gift, the blessing, the enrichment. In this way, the circumstances lift and build you up rather than tear you down and diminish your spirit. And before we can impart this to our children, we will need to incorporate this perspective into our own way of living.
My life has brought many challenges…estrangement from family, depression, sexual assault on myself and others close to me, a painful, drawn out divorce, watching dementia consume people I love, and death, just to name a few. Every time I knew I had to reach deeper, open my heart wider to find something, anything with which to sustain myself. Looking for the gift each time kept me afloat; a personal floatation device, you could say.
Then there are the more common disappointments in life. With time, I’ve come to see these as blessings in disguise. The job I didn’t get left me available for the awesome one when it did arrive. Not getting to have the two additional children I wanted gave me more time to support and nurture the two I am blessed with. My divorce gave me an opportunity to recreate my entire life.
Sometimes the gift is subtle and needs time to be seen. Other examples of gifts I’ve received are:
• Compassion for others
• Wisdom to share with others having a similar experience
• Deeper understanding of myself
• Believing in grace
We pass this perspective and life skill to our children by our example and sharing. Helping them to see what they have been given, is a gift of resilience they can use all their life. Even if they do not ‘get it’ the same way we do, it is a seed that is planted in their minds and hearts that will grow.
And if you are unsure of how to teach this to your children…reach into your heart, listen for wisdom and let it speak. A favorite approach I have when I am uncertain of what to say to my girls, is to ask them questions and let the wisdom come from them.
How do you feel about that?
Is there anything you want to do about it?
How can I help/support you?
These are opening questions. Being fully present to their answers naturally guides me to the next thing to ask as I witness them finding their own way. This is not a scripted conversation. This approach works best when being fully present, listening with your heart, and being patient to see what comes forth.
Then, there are the worldwide tragedies that unite us and bring a gift. As people around the world grieved the death of Princess Diana, violent crimes rates dropped around the globe. On 9/11, New Yorkers came together to help one another in numerous acts of selflessness. And of course, with the Boston Marathon this week, the world watched as people aided one another and united us all as humanity. These are gifts in tragedy our children can witness outside to aid them in finding the gifts in their own lives.
God/Spirit/Goddess gives us freewill and does not micro-manage our lives, however, the power of Love gifts us with the opportunity to make good things happen from whatever tragedy or challenge comes into our lives. Love and Spirit empower us to persevere, survive and thrive! It’s all up to us and how we chose to see it, live it, respond to it. What an amazing lifetime gift to pass on to our children!
Powerless in Parenting
April 12, 2013
In a society that preaches and teaches being powerful, what teaches us how to be powerless? As I watched Life of Pi, this question seized my heart. Watching Pi fight for survival, using the supplies he had, and his will to live; powerlessness still came at him over and over again. How do we learn to live with powerlessness in day-to-day life? How do we know when to use our will and when to surrender? The obvious answers that came from the film were nature and life itself. There are things we cannot control.
Then, another answer clearly spoke softly to me…and parenting.
Parenting is a life long lesson in powerlessness for me. As a young parent, I expected myself to be all powerful as the ‘big’ one to this ‘little’ one who had been gifted to me. It was not long before this myth began to shatter.
There were fevers and boo-boos I could not prevent, including a small one biting through her tongue while jumping off a coffee table. I felt powerful in my ability to comfort and give medicine knowing that I could make this better. Then there was the time when my overly tired child had a full-blown tantrum in the middle of the shopping mall. Wallering in the floor, thrashing about, screaming and wailing, I sat and waited it out. Strangers walking by would look about to see if a parent was nearby, would see me 15 feet away (the nearest seat), I would nod and they would walk on. Some shook their heads in disgust or disbelief; others smiled knowingly. I was powerless and could only wait out the storm. The tantrum lasted less than five minutes. It felt like eternity to me. Slowly, I learned to embrace this state with grace.
When my oldest was 13, she was crying in her bed over something or someone that had hurt her feelings. There was nothing I could do except love her and be a witness to her pain with faith in her to help herself. I remember vividly saying to her, “When you were little, Mama could make the hurts better. Now you are bigger and I can’t fix everything anymore. I can hold you and love you. And I believe in you to be big enough to get through this on your own.” She cried harder as I held her. When I went to bed that night, I cried too. She was growing up and out of my reach.
As our children grow and spread their wings, this state becomes more constant. As they drive away for the first time in our car (yikes!), have their first adventures/mishaps in love, choose which parent to live with, and on and on. Each time I learned more about trusting them and their angels because there was nothing much I could do.
I came to see that parenting is a journey in letting go, a little more each year, until they know they can fly on their own. This is evolution and is supported by our belief in them.
This is powerlessness with grace.
Just Wanna Be Me
April 5, 2013
If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good Morning’ at total strangers.
~Maya Angelou
How often does this happen in your world? It is far too easy sometimes to take advantage of those who love us and expect them to take the brunt of our ill humor on any given day. I know I’ve been guilty of that many times. A strong feeling of regret and remorse always follows. The pressures of life become suddenly overwhelming and my surly attitude comes bursting out at my children while I keep my ‘happy face’ for the other people of the world I will encounter in a day.
My vision for our home is that we learn to live in harmony with each individual having permission to be who they are…live their authentic self. Not an easy task for any family! Now, this does not give me (or anyone else!) permission to demonstrate a cranky attitude by taking it out on anyone. As a result, we have all learned about what it means to be true to your self AND live in community. Actually, this is an ongoing lesson for us all! We are learning about understanding others and making accommodations. My daughters are learning how to co-exist with other personalities which prepares them for the variety of people they will encounter in this life. I love that they are learning these lessons while in the safe harbor of our home.
There was a family I knew growing up who had the policy that when children returned home from a sleepover they were not allowed to be irritable and hard to live with. It was understood that they would most likely be exhausted from lack of sleep, however, using that as an excuse to be unkind to others was not acceptable. Other family members were encouraged to make allowances for that and give understanding, such as, maybe not the best day to pick on that person, tease incessantly, etc… This worked well because each family member knew that they would get the same consideration when they needed it. At the ripe age of 8, this impressed me deeply and I knew I wanted my home to feel that way someday.
Family is precious. Just ask anyone who does not have one. It can be a challenge to live together and give each other the best we’ve got. And who else better to give our best to? While we share in the adventure of living and growing together…parents and children alike. What policies do you have in your home that allow each person to be his or her authentic self? If each family member was allowed to ask for one aspect of his or her personality to be accepted unconditionally, what would that be? Could be a great dinner conversation next time your family sits down to eat together 😉
How to Stay Connected as a Family
March 29, 2013
A 21st century family lifestyle is often filled with a long list of ‘to-dos’. Errands, soccer games, dance lessons, doctor appointments, school meetings, etc.…all in addition to work and school. How is there enough time in the day for it all? And how do you stay connected as a family along the way? By adding one more thing to your ‘to-do’ list…believe it or not.
During my career in social work, I was introduced to the importance of a community dining together regularly. A specific number of meals per week were mandated in foster care group homes and residential therapeutic communities that I observed. If there was ever tension or strong disagreements within these communities, the first question asked by a counselor was “how many times a week are you eating together?” Every single time, it was revealed that the community had stopped eating together prior to falling out with one another. This observation came in handy later in my career as a parent.
When my children were younger and not involved in five million activities, eating together was not a problem. These were the days when I sometimes longed for a meal without them! As they got older, we all became busier and sharing meals became less common.
At one particular point, my past experience came to mind and I wondered if it could have a positive impact in our home. As the stay-at-home mom and coordinator of plans, I set out to make this happen. My initial goal was three meals a week together. The difference it made was instantly apparent. We grew closer, learned more about each other, the girls started to ask us (their parents) more about our days, there was more laughter in our home and we felt more like a team.
I love the episode in Weeds where Nancy (the mom) brings home take-out fried chicken and announces there is to be family dinner and all are required to be there. After getting significant push back from both sons and their uncle, she screams through clenched teeth, “We are eating together as a family if I have to kill every one of you!”
Now, I must say, I recommend taking a slightly different approach than Nancy did in this scene. And I relate to her because there were times when I felt I had to really hold a line to keep this going. Admittedly, there were weeks when three times could not work and I held firm to at least one…I call this being flexible and organic. 😉 There were also times when family dinnertime elicited much grumbling, pouting, and unpleasant rebellious behaviors and I did not waver. With an empathetic acknowledgement, I held firm and it worked for all of us in the long run.
It can be so easy to lose sight in the midst of all the doing and forget that family comes first. Children feel lost without a strong sense of community and act this out in a myriad of ways. Family is the ‘home base’ we all seek that can support, enrich and uplift us.
I propose trying this in your home and see if it makes a difference for your family. Choose a reasonable number of times per week for your family’s schedule, let everyone in the house know, and get to it! Remember, meals do not have to be elaborate. Take-out fried chicken is perfectly acceptable! This is about family being together.
If the silence is deafening and/or awkward at your table, try implementing conversation starters such as:
• everyone shares the best and worst moment of their day
• if you could be any animal, what would it be?
• if you were the principal, what would you change in your school?
I’ve also seen families enjoy dinnertime more by playing a game together. Trivia cards, Banana Grams, and Uno are some suggestions. This is about fun and togetherness. There is no way to get it wrong…only ways to bring family closer.
Modeling Imperfection
March 22, 2013
As a parent, I believe that I am not alone when I aspire to be the best I can be for my children. I know I am not alone in this due to the countless times I have heard mothers and fathers berate themselves when they fell short of their own parenting ideal. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper”, “I’m a bad mom…there won’t be a birthday party again this year”, or “Why did I give in again?” are just some of the things I have heard.
While it is important to grow as a person, my intense pursuit of never being angry, always be in a good mood, keep everything flowing well for everyone, and be proud of everything you say and do with them was unrealistic. And yet, every part of that felt so important to the health and growth of my daughters.
Early in my parenting career, a curious idea was introduced to me by my homeopath. I had been struggling with migraines, which it turned out were partially due to an over achievement complex I was having…go figure! She suggested the outrageous idea that I relax, accept myself as I was, and model imperfection for my children.
My heart froze and my pulse raced….WHAT?? Like a deer in headlights, the mere idea of lowering the bar an inch was producing high anxiety. It would take time and consideration before my mind softened to this novel concept and began to see merit in this new approach, for my children and myself.
What if … I saw myself with the same love and compassion I had for my children?
What if… I opened to loving myself ‘as is’ just as I wanted my daughters to love themselves?
What if …I could model for them that we all fall short, make mistakes, say things we regret and it’s okay?
Motivated to put an end to this cycle of perfectionism, I began to change. This took time, attention to my thoughts, and self-encouragement. It became apparent that if I somehow did succeed in being ‘perfect’ (lol…as if!) I would be setting a ridiculous standard for my girls. Modeling authenticity, humility, and humanity were better qualities to offer them.
Over time, this felt much better to me. It brought warmth and realness to our relationship over the years. As a result of admitting when I wrong, having parenting moment “re-do’s”, and letting things be, trust grew between us. It had never occurred to me that we actually trust someone more knowing they are real and honest rather than seeking perfection and covering up their shortfalls.
If this speaks to you, I encourage you to be real with your children this week. Let something go, admit a mistake, re-do a parenting moment, and see the difference it makes!
What an Amazing Ride!
March 17, 2013
It (is) the wise and difficult love that reminds parents
that all we can really do is be true to our own spiritual unfolding
and trust that our examples will one day help (children) be true to theirs.
For children have a guiding spiritual wisdom inside them too.
~ Sue Monk Kidd
Wow! What an amazing ride parenting is! My parenting has stretched all my limits…emotionally, mentally, spiritually and at times, physically. (After all, child birth is no cake walk!) My daughters have taught me so much just by being themselves and calling me to rise to my highest for them. My passion was to be the best Mom I could be. Game on!
There has been laughter and smiles interspersed with tears and hugs all along the way. And I wouldn’t change a thing that we have learned from each other. Yes, I was raising them and as it turns, out they were helping me to ‘rise up’ at the same time. Parenting has taken me to places inside myself I might never had gone without my girls.
My girls will be 21 and 18 within the next month and they are incredible young women. They have been a large part of me becoming the woman I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you Cassidy Fay and Kate for choosing me and teaching me wisdom that I hope to pass on to others as we continue on this wild amazing ride together!
Just another parent leading the way…
Connect with Michele
michele@michelebryanwriter.com
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