Posts Tagged: children
Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14, 2014
It’s LOVE Day. And it doesn’t have to be merely romantic love. Love encompasses much more than that. In raising my girls, I took pride in teaching them about loving themselves and sharing that love with the world. This day brought fun into our home as we celebrated our love as a family. They witnesses their father and I express our romantic love for one another AND we included them in the celebration. As a parent, I prefer to write my own meanings and traditions into any holiday rather than blindly follow societal precepts. It’s more fun and calls me to define my own values, meanings, and celebrations.
As my girls have grown, seeing their ability and willingness to share love with others shows me I’ve done a good job. Love is important everyday and maybe we don’t need a designated day to celebrate it. And I say, “why not?” It’s nice to have a reminder of the importance of love in our lives and our ability to share it with the world.
This week with our ‘epic snow’ here in Asheville, NC, I was blessed to enjoy love and fun with my daughter. We walked and sledded together in the snow thoroughly enjoying one another. Our beloved dog Magic came along for every adventure. He is the Love Ambassador! Being present to my love for her brought great joy to my heart. It occurs to me, yet again, that the greatest gift of love we can give our children is our presence. They feel it when we are not distracted or caught up in our own lives. Their lives are enriched when they experience our loving gaze and full regard. This is the gift of love and maybe the best way to celebrate the day.
Does your family celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special way?
If so, I’d love to hear about it and your thoughts on the day!
Wishing you and your family a weekend and year full of love
Parenting Self Care
January 31, 2014
Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world. It makes demands of us, often without immediate reward, and does not have a quitting time. As a parent, you are on call 24/7.
It is easy to get caught up in the days and weeks forgetting to give ourselves credit for all that we are doing. Even when things are running smoothly and without incident, pausing to appreciate and care for our self is essential to optimal job performance.
Over the years of my parenting career, I’ve often found myself out of balance from having consistently placed myself at the bottom of the ‘to do’ list. Everyone and everything else always seemed more important. In my mind, I told myself that I would feel better once ‘x, y, and z’ were done. Of course, as a parent, you are never ‘done’. You might as well be waiting for pigs to fly.
Self-care sustains us and invigorates us to be able to give and do for others. If we’ve not taken the time to fill our own teapot, how can we possibly pour anything into anyone’s cup? While I can share a list with you of good things to do, such as take a walk, maintain a hobby, read a book, have an interrupted chat with a dear friend, etc. What really makes a difference is when you listen to your own heart and hear what it is you really need. What is revealed may surprise you.
When this was first suggested to me, I was stunned to realize that it was very difficult for me to ‘hear’ what I wanted or needed. I had absolutely no idea. That inner voice had been ignored for so long, that she had quit talking. This was a muscle that needed to be re-energized.
To re-establish this connection within myself, I just kept asking and listening…no matter how long it took to hear the answer. Sometimes I would propose specific ideas trying to coax a response. Do you want to do this? Would this be fun/relaxing? The suggestions started to pave the way to knowing what I did want by figuring out what I did not want. The things I did learn that I wanted and needed were not the typical things I expected.
One thing I discovered that was very important to me was having my own ‘space’; an area of my home that was off limits to children. For me, this was my bedroom. This is not to say my daughters never went in there; they needed to have permission. They also knew that if I were in my bedroom with the door closed, they needed to knock. The feeling of sovereignty this gave me was deeply satisfying. Something in the world was designated as mine that I could choose to share or not.
Another revelation was how important my evenings were to me. After having given my all for the day, a consistent bedtime was really important. I loved our routine of bathing, reading, and snuggling and when all was done, I was done. Knowing this about myself helped me to be clear and adamant about them going to bed and staying there. My tone was kind and firm. There would be no negotiating. And I was even heard to say sometimes… “It’s bedtime and I am done parenting for the day. I love you. It’s time to sleep.” (Makes me think of that hilarious book “Go the F*** to Sleep”…check it out for a laugh)
With all the times the children’s needs had to come first, it was honoring and uplifting to place myself first when I could with things that I had discovered were very important to me. Of course there were other, simpler things I discovered that filled my teapot. Afternoon matinees by myself, having one night a month out all on my own or with friends, reading or napping when they napped, and many others.
I am deeply grateful for the parenting coach who first suggested I make a priority of my wants and needs. Not only did I come into balance and be a better parent, I got in touch with a source of inner guidance that helped me in many ways. Listening to that inner voice and knowing how to bring myself into balance sustains me to this very day.
Holiday Survival Guide
December 6, 2013
Buckle up parents…the holidays are here! Some of us smile and dance; others sigh deeply and wonder how we will ever get it all done. The societal expectations of the season, fed by Martha Stewart specials and unending commercials displaying ‘perfect’ holiday scenarios can delude the strongest of minds. And I have good news! There is a way to unplug and reclaim your holiday for you and your family to truly enjoy, so read on!
As a mother, and a very young one when I started, I had ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself. Growing up, my holidays had been very magical more often than not. I endeavored to create the same magic, warmth and wonderment for my family. It did not occur to me that I had been an only child being raised by my mother and her family, which included three other adults. My expectations of myself were totally unrealistic given there was only one of me and yet it took a few emotional meltdowns before I could see that.
The revelation came mid-crying jag alone in my bedroom. I had been trying to do everything I normally did (which was already a very full life) AND add all the holiday stuff…cards, decorating trees, shopping, baking, etc… Was I crazy?? Who did I think I was…superwoman?? From that moment on things began to change as I gave myself permission to pick and choose holiday endeavors. After all, what’s a wonderful Norman Rockwell ambiance if Mama is looking like a deer in headlights with red, swollen eyes? Not pretty.
If you are interested in making your holiday one that is truly full of peace and joy rather than stress and exhaustion, here are some of my ideas:
• Take time to consider what is most important to you. Shape holiday plans around your self and your family rather than ‘shoulds’ from your extended family, church, community, etc…
• If children are school age and older, include them in the decision making by asking them “What do you like most about the holidays?” “Is there anything about the holidays you don’t enjoy?” Consider their answers, they are full of wisdom, and let them know about plans once they are made.
• If you have younger children, consider putting your tree or other holiday decorations up later in the month to delay their excitement and unbearable anticipation. You can also delay putting presents under the tree. Their lack of concept of time can make a month seem like forever.
• If traveling, try to have your own space where you can wind down and take a break. Plan outside activities with only your child in mind that are not centered around others. This reestablishes your personal family ‘center’ which is very grounding.
• Be willing to use TV consciously to serve your interests. It can help children to unwind, at times, and is a quiet way to spend time together just ‘being’, snuggled up watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
• My favorite decision was no cooking on the day we put up the tree. Ordering pizza freed me to enjoy every moment along with everyone else. Resentment rectified!
• I eliminated sending Christmas cards in favor of using that time to bake with my children, which took more time than doing it on my own. While I missed connecting with friends, I loved the slower pace with one less ‘to do’on my list. Some families I know send cards and connect with friends on other holidays, such as Thanksgiving or Valentine’s when there is less to do.
• Leave some space in the holiday schedule…don’t plan every minute. Leave room for spontaneous fun, such as an afternoon movie as a family.
My last and maybe most important suggestion is a post holiday debriefing that includes everyone in your home. Talking about the holiday, what everyone loved the most and least, what plans worked well and which didn’t, were new traditions created, and which do you never want to do again…etc.
This can be humorous and fun as you look back over the season and learn more about what truly makes you and your family happy. It’s best to do this before the New Year and write down what you discover. By the time the calendar turns round again, the joys and horrors of the previous year will strangely be forgotten.
Over the years I learned from my mistakes and created wonderful memories with my family. The changes I made were not all easy and the peace they gave my heart allowed me to be fully present with my family. That made it all worthwhile.
What changes will you make this season to retain your sanity?
What do you do different from others that makes a difference in your home?
There’s a million ways to roll through December and I would love to hear from you!
Connect with Michele
michele@michelebryanwriter.com
Follow Courageous Parenting
Follow Adventures from the Middle of the Road