Posts Tagged: Christmas
Mommy, Is There a Santa Claus?
December 20, 2013
This is the question no parent wants to hear. Probably second only to “Where do babies come from?” The magic of childhood, which includes the magic of Christmas, can be over way too soon. As parent, I wanted to preserve my girls’ childhood for as long as possible knowing they had forever to be adults.
I know parents who took the approach of ‘not wanting to lie to their children’ or believing ‘they are very mature for their age and need to know the truth’. It is not my style to critique others’ parenting preferences. I just happened to have a different perspective and plan for raising my girls.
If you are a parent who has perpetuated the magic of Santa and Christmas for as long as possible, you may wonder when and how will it end. “What will I say when they ask me? I don’t want to lie to them. I don’t want them to think I’ve lied all these years. What will I do???” (Cue ‘deer in headlights’ expression) While I cannot predict when the time will come and what is best for you and your children, I can share how it went down in my home.
When they were young, we went full in. Cookies left out for Santa and bags of reindeer food; letters written to Santa and visits to see him (or maybe one of his helpers); and even our tradition of Santa Mouse. (Check the book out here if you’re curious) As they approached school age, I could see my oldest begin to wonder a bit. She would ask questions designed to figure out Santa’s logistics with her newfound intelligence and discerning mind. My reply was always, “What do you think?” She delighted in exploring all the possible ideas and solutions to the questions she had posed. I smiled, listened, and nodded.
There were times, I admit, I resorted to guerilla tactics such as, “If you don’t believe, he might not come! And you don’t want to test that do you??” This may have been evilness with a sacred purpose. Nothing would thwart my preservation of childhood.
At some point, it became clear their doubts were mounting. My pivotal moment came with the question “Mommy do you REALLY believe in Santa Claus?” Whew! I felt like I had dodged a bullet because to this question I could honestly say yes. As the conversation continued, I sensed an opportunity to introduce a new perspective.
It was beautiful to be able to honestly say to my girls that I do believe. I shared with them that the magic of Christmas I had felt as a little girl had evolved over time and never gone away. My understanding of Santa and Christmas magic had grown and changed, and yet I still believed.
I believe in the magic of the season, the gift of love and return of light that has been celebrated for thousands and thousands of years. There are miracles that I still see and experience without fail every single year. I also told them it was important to believe with all their heart, every year without fail, so they could stay open to the magic that would touch their hearts forever. And if they continued to keep the magic of Christmas alive in their hearts, Santa would no doubt keep coming to our house.
There were no more questions after that. They seemed satisfied and happy to continue to believe. It was a blessing for my heart to see my children easily transition into an evolved understanding of Santa and the magic of Christmas. This was just one of many perspectives on the world that I hoped they would inherit. In my heart, I never lied to them at all. We all believe and Santa still comes to our house every year…he just brings a little less.
Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
~Unsigned editorial in response to the letter from eight year-old Virginia O’Hanlon, published September 21,1897.
Holidays Alone
December 13, 2013
Divorce and separation force some parents into facing an inevitable holiday alone. My first rocked my sense of self and capacity for happiness on a day that had always brought me so much joy. After a lifetime of magical holiday celebrations, it was unfathomable to me that I could be spending one, more or less, ‘alone’.
When I separated over five years ago, we sought to keep that first holiday season as similar as possible. It was not even close to being the same, yet we made an effort to all be together and soften the blow of what had come to pass. The years that followed found me holding change at bay with all my might and yet, deep inside I knew it would eventually come to pass that I would be on my own for one or many.
This compelled me to look at holidays, as well as other special occasions, and ask myself what they really mean to me. Is it the actual day itself? Can togetherness be shared on any day we choose? What does each holiday truly represent for me and how can I celebrate on my own? These questions took me deep and led me to finding a sense of peace and self-understanding no one can take from me.
There also came a deeper understanding of others. As much pain as I felt, I recognized there were countless others who were suffering much greater loss than I was experiencing. What must they be feeling? I found myself with a new appreciation, understanding, and compassion for those people and their pain.
A dear friend brought still yet another perspective to my attention. As I lamented out loud my loss of family and the pending holidays, my unmarried, childless friend looked me straight in the eye and stated, “At least you had it once.” The shock of an unseen angle coursed through my body. I felt embarrassed by my lack of acknowledgement and gratitude. Now my grief had a new meaning. It had been a privilege to experience something wonderful even if I did miss it now.
On Thanksgiving morning this year, as my girls drove away to be with their father and his family, my heart clenched in my chest for a brief time and then it passed. We had been together for several wonderful days and cooked our holiday meal together the night before. Reflecting on our shared time warmed me through and melted the lump in my heart. This has not always been that easy for me.
Holidays are different because I have chosen to make them that way. The time I do have with my daughters is extra precious. The time alone can be filled with friends, good football with chips and guacamole, bonfires with myself, or walks with my beloved dog, Magic. Holidays can be sacred and beautiful even when they are not filled and defined by the presence of my children. And it gets easier with each passing year.
Holiday Survival Guide
December 6, 2013
Buckle up parents…the holidays are here! Some of us smile and dance; others sigh deeply and wonder how we will ever get it all done. The societal expectations of the season, fed by Martha Stewart specials and unending commercials displaying ‘perfect’ holiday scenarios can delude the strongest of minds. And I have good news! There is a way to unplug and reclaim your holiday for you and your family to truly enjoy, so read on!
As a mother, and a very young one when I started, I had ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself. Growing up, my holidays had been very magical more often than not. I endeavored to create the same magic, warmth and wonderment for my family. It did not occur to me that I had been an only child being raised by my mother and her family, which included three other adults. My expectations of myself were totally unrealistic given there was only one of me and yet it took a few emotional meltdowns before I could see that.
The revelation came mid-crying jag alone in my bedroom. I had been trying to do everything I normally did (which was already a very full life) AND add all the holiday stuff…cards, decorating trees, shopping, baking, etc… Was I crazy?? Who did I think I was…superwoman?? From that moment on things began to change as I gave myself permission to pick and choose holiday endeavors. After all, what’s a wonderful Norman Rockwell ambiance if Mama is looking like a deer in headlights with red, swollen eyes? Not pretty.
If you are interested in making your holiday one that is truly full of peace and joy rather than stress and exhaustion, here are some of my ideas:
• Take time to consider what is most important to you. Shape holiday plans around your self and your family rather than ‘shoulds’ from your extended family, church, community, etc…
• If children are school age and older, include them in the decision making by asking them “What do you like most about the holidays?” “Is there anything about the holidays you don’t enjoy?” Consider their answers, they are full of wisdom, and let them know about plans once they are made.
• If you have younger children, consider putting your tree or other holiday decorations up later in the month to delay their excitement and unbearable anticipation. You can also delay putting presents under the tree. Their lack of concept of time can make a month seem like forever.
• If traveling, try to have your own space where you can wind down and take a break. Plan outside activities with only your child in mind that are not centered around others. This reestablishes your personal family ‘center’ which is very grounding.
• Be willing to use TV consciously to serve your interests. It can help children to unwind, at times, and is a quiet way to spend time together just ‘being’, snuggled up watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
• My favorite decision was no cooking on the day we put up the tree. Ordering pizza freed me to enjoy every moment along with everyone else. Resentment rectified!
• I eliminated sending Christmas cards in favor of using that time to bake with my children, which took more time than doing it on my own. While I missed connecting with friends, I loved the slower pace with one less ‘to do’on my list. Some families I know send cards and connect with friends on other holidays, such as Thanksgiving or Valentine’s when there is less to do.
• Leave some space in the holiday schedule…don’t plan every minute. Leave room for spontaneous fun, such as an afternoon movie as a family.
My last and maybe most important suggestion is a post holiday debriefing that includes everyone in your home. Talking about the holiday, what everyone loved the most and least, what plans worked well and which didn’t, were new traditions created, and which do you never want to do again…etc.
This can be humorous and fun as you look back over the season and learn more about what truly makes you and your family happy. It’s best to do this before the New Year and write down what you discover. By the time the calendar turns round again, the joys and horrors of the previous year will strangely be forgotten.
Over the years I learned from my mistakes and created wonderful memories with my family. The changes I made were not all easy and the peace they gave my heart allowed me to be fully present with my family. That made it all worthwhile.
What changes will you make this season to retain your sanity?
What do you do different from others that makes a difference in your home?
There’s a million ways to roll through December and I would love to hear from you!
Connect with Michele
michele@michelebryanwriter.com
Follow Courageous Parenting
Follow Adventures from the Middle of the Road