Posts Tagged: dating
Valentine’s Day Reconsidered
February 14, 2014
Here is an article I wrote for the Asheville Citizen-Times on Valentine’s Day 2011.It’s one of my favorites! I hope you enjoy and decide to write your own version of the day!
For years, Valentine’s Day was a day of over the top expectations and inevitable let downs for me. Days that I anticipated with hopeful expectation, whether I had a love interest in my life or not, and then suffering through the crash. High school years with other girl’s arms full of flowers sent by ardent admirers, I imagined, compliments of the Key Club school fundraiser. It was during those years, frustrated and fed-up, that I came upon the idea of how to rework the day and remove the sting. No one said it had to be about romantic love, so why not expand my vision to include love of all kinds in my life.
My girlfriends and I conspired over lunch one day, nibbling at chips and sipping on diet sodas. The idea was revolutionary! Why sit around and wait for someone to buy us flowers when we could buy them for each other! It seemed amazing that we had not landed on this before and the tradition of buying flowers for each other began and continued for the rest of our teenage years. Now we too walked the halls of our high school with our arms full of flowers, how would anyone know they were not from romantic interests? We were not left out anymore and the secret was ours!
As the years went by, I’ve often used the day as a good reason to spread love to all my nearest and dearest….girlfriends alone, fresh out of relationships, family, and eventually my daughters. As they have grown into teenagers, I’ve delighted in sharing with them the day is about love, in all its forms and manifestations. My favorite year was when my teenage daughter brought home 7 girlfriends, all of whom were not in a relationship and deeply bummed about that fact. I treated them to a lavish dinner of chicken parmesan, pasta loaded with cheese, and a decadent dessert. As dessert was served, we raised our glasses of ginger ale and I led a toast. This was my opportunity to impress upon them that men would come and go throughout their lives but girlfriends were forever. I went on to encourage them to always embrace the love of the day, whether romantically involved or not because love is everywhere. To my heart’s delight they all cheered.
There are those whose callused hearts make fun of the day and want to rebel the marketing sensation. Who can blame them when our society drives us to spend and overeat as an expression of love? When the message is romantic love is what counts the most? This rebellious approach seems far too jaded for me. My approach of transforming the day into something really meaningful for me feels like a more authentic approach. Could it be possible that we embrace a socially organized day of love and not buy into the machine? I like the idea of using the energy behind the machine to my own self constructed end.
Men do come and go, and now I am divorced after 18 years of marriage. Despite my best efforts, the first two Valentine’s Day were heartbreaking to be alone after so many years. I persevered, fueled by good memories, and found ways to celebrate the day by sharing my love with those around me I care most about. Baking cookies for my daughters, taking flowers to a lonely friend, and buying something special for myself! The consumer machine is big and all those commercials can pull at my heart with their images of “perfect” love, and for a few moments I do feel sad and alone. It is with gratitude that I also know my heart is bigger than the machine and hope is alive if I can revel in the love that is in my life.
Love is where you find it and create it for yourself. Love can save the world, so why not use this day to celebrate all the love in your life and spread generously the love you have to share, including lavishing it on yourself. It has the potential to make the day better for you and the world a better place to be.
Holidays Single Style
December 20, 2013
Tis’ the season and I find myself without a romantic relationship. This must be a sign I am getting stronger since miraculously every holiday since my separation a man has been in my life to one degree or another. Two of them even were around just for the months of December and January. I now kindly refer to them as my Christmas presents. This must be a sign that I’ve grown, healed and am ready to go it alone! So why does a part of me say “this really sucks”.
The holiday commercials with all the lovers and happy married people make me want to gag. Seriously? Even when I was married and very much in love with my husband, those moments were rare. I see through the illusion and still it emphasizes my single-ness and irks me. Have you seen the “They’ve never been to Paris” commercial? (Throwing up in my mouth a little…) Thank Goddess I don’t watch TV very much. And yet they bombard me when I’m just trying to watch a little football! Geez! Can’t a girl just get her weekly dose of athletic violence with having her heart ripped out??
Of course, I exaggerate. It’s really not that bad and I am well aware and conscious of people in the world who are truly suffering. People who are far lonelier and have suffered much greater losses. And honestly, it nips at my heart…sometimes more than others. That’s just the truth.
So rather than count down the days till normalcy – aka Jan 2 – I’ve devised a primer of suggestion for singles to survive the holidays with fun and style. Even though I wrote these with ladies in mind, most are actually good for anyone out there. Read, enjoy, and share if you know someone who is feeling a little lonely and needs a lift to their holiday spirits!
To Make the Most of Your Single Holidays:
1. Go to every party you can and dance… whether others are dancing or not. “No” is an unacceptable answer to holiday invites. Get your boogie on!
2. Get manicures, pedicures and massages…touch is important when you’re feeling alone.
3. Make full use of mistletoe every chance you get. Kissing isn’t a crime and won’t give you a terminal illness.
4. Act as if…plan a romantic evening home alone with yourself. Holiday movie of choice, nice bottle of wine, roaring fire or cozy blanket with a decadent treat to eat. Have a date with your self!
5. Invite friends to join you for fun evenings out and tree/home decorating…no need to do it all alone.
6. Look for volunteer opportunities as wonderful ways to get out of your self AND meet new people…aka – potential date material. At least you’ll know they have a heart!
7. Make cynical comments whenever you want to. Better out than in with those negative feelings. Set them free on the ears of someone who will laugh with you.
8. Dress to the hilt every time you go out the door. Do it for yourself and to be ready in case a potential New Years date appears out of nowhere.
9. Make a plan for New Years. Don’t just wait for a good date to appear. Decide on something you really want to do and will look forward to whether with friends or on your own. Bonfire anyone??
10. Count your blessings. Being alone at the holidays is not the worst thing in the world. It just ‘kind of’ sucks. So think more about everything in your life that doesn’t.
11. Consider shaving something on your body in the shape of a candy cane (stripes and all) or a holly leaf. For men the possibilities are endless. Ladies, I think you know where I’m going with this.
12. Buy your self a romantic Christmas present. A new beautiful negligee or expensive lacy underwear? A coveted perfume? Go get it girl!
13. Enjoy your self no matter what. If your heart starts to feel hollow and sad, give it a minute, be kind to your self and then push on! Nobody wants a droopy face sourpuss at their holiday soiree. And that is not an excuse to not go either. Love your self, get out there, and make your holiday great!
Courage of the Heart
December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.
There was the cliché ‘rebound’ guy who bruised my heart, or more accurately my pride, and a couple of others I thought might be a soft spot to land for a moment. Even though not fully in love, each time it was amazing to me that my heart could find the courage to lean in at all. My divorce and the betrayal that came with it had devastated me in ways I did not even think possible. According to onlookers, my survival without institutionalization was good fodder for a movie script. Overall, I truly felt independent, steady on my feet, and safe from real heartbreak.
Imagine my amazement when my heart suddenly took a risk, without my permission, and put me out there, for the first time. At first, I was stunned! After dating so many men and feeling little to nothing in terms of love, I believed I was too guarded, had been through too much trauma, and might not be willing to risk my heart again. As it turns out, my heart was waiting for someone special and I did not see it coming. It was more of a heart to heart recognition rather than a falling in love. I stepped into a relationship of familiarity, laughter, and a connection that amazed me. For several months, it was warm and wonderful; everything I had secretly hoped for and my heart went there willingly.
It is with regret I must report that it did not work out. Call it bad timing, call it a man with commitment issues, call it what you want. One friend even had the love to say to me “he wasn’t that into you”. It did not work out and I was crushed. I had also hoped that with all I had already been through, my heart could not/would not hurt like that again. I cried a river and felt my chest would explode from the pain.
In some ways, I felt leveled again; almost worse than the divorce itself. I was 43, at the time, and wondered how could this be happening? No mental argument or rationalization could ease my pain just as it could not keep me from venturing into love again. I surrendered to the agony and as the tears subsided, I was able to appreciate the courage of the risk I had taken.
The tenacity of the human heart is still unexplainable to me except that I feel our hearts are naturally drawn to others. It has also been said the mind does not retain horror; maybe that explains a lot. All I know is I see others and myself go to hell and back only to rise up and have faith again.
The cynics may say we are gluttons for punishment. I think we are courageous, resilient, and meant to share our lives with another. It was a wonderful surprise to me that as I caught my breath and dried my tears, I could still feel hope inside of me that a true love, well timed, that matches me will appear. If nothing else, loving this man with all my heart had showed me it was possible for my heart to be inspired and just how courageous I truly am.
Maybe next time the timing will be right, maybe he will have the courage to risk as I do, and if not… I am guaranteed to survive, learn more about myself, and most likely try again.
“Courage of the Heart”
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michele@michelebryanwriter.com
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