Posts Tagged: divorce
Texting and Dating
January 17, 2014
Early in my dating, I wrote often about the feelings I was having about my experiences. Having been ‘off the market’ for nearly 20 years had me feeling inept and confused by the things that had changed over that time. Since I enjoy humor more than tears and anger, I wrote which eventually helped me to find my way.
Here are excerpts from a piece I wrote in 2010. Truthfully, my feelings haven’t changed much since then. The prominent position of texting in adult relationships still baffles me even if I do feel more skilled at it. I hope you’ll enjoy and share your feelings and opinions with me!
Texting in dating and relationships is the curse of the 21st century. First the text, then the waiting…the wondering…the rethinking and rereading…the rechecking the time of the text sent and received…the rereading of words looking for meaning. It can become obsessive.
In the beginning, I felt I could not control the wonderings of my mind. It was easy to slip into contemplation of what was being said between the words being typed to me. Where was the vocal inflection and tonal emphasis to clarify the feeling behind the words? There was too much room for innuendo, which fed my overactive imagination. In these moments, I crave clarity and things being wrapped up neatly in packages that can be labeled and alphabetized…and still he texts.
There was no texting when I dated a millennium ago before marriage, as if I needed one more new thing to learn about and explore. It revealed much to me about where we have gone as a culture in our mating dance.
There are times I like texting and thank the universe for it; otherwise, my teenagers might never communicate with me at all. Then there are the times when the text makes me cringe. For example, I hate when things are said that are not really meant or followed through on; such as “I will call you tomorrow” which then does not happen. Does typing not imply the same commitment as the spoken word? Is it more easily forgotten? Not as real?? Call if you say you are going to call.
I want communication that is real; something you can hear, feel, know and believe in. For me texting is best used for disseminating quick pieces of information or making a quick connection. It is not meant to replace verbal communication, shared decision-making, first date requests, or relationship break-ups. To go for days in a romantic relationship with texting being the only communication is so adolescent and a sure sign that I am dating the wrong guy. I want real communication and a real man behind the communication.
With this clarified in my mind, I started asking for what I wanted. When guys start to text about important things and I want to be clear, I ask them to call or suggest we talk in person. You find out a lot about a person when you start asking for what you want and share what is important to you.
Do they hear you and respond to your request?
Do they continue to insist on their way for their own comfort?
Do they share what they would like in an effort to find middle ground?
Ahhh, the dance of the mating game and the steps we take with one another.
As modern and independent as I can be, I am still an old fashioned girl in many ways. Can I tell you how much I love it when a man actually calls to ask me for a date? It eliminates the question “Is a text requested date a real date? Or just a virtual one?”
The main point of this literary rant is to encourage connection and real communication in the world. It concerns me that as technology grows larger, we are growing further apart. Technology threatens our ability to make eye contact, express ourselves in person with confidence and take full accountability for our words. Hiding behind texts cannot get us anywhere except further apart. And when you want to ask that certain someone out, dial their number. I bet they say yes!
Holidays Alone
December 13, 2013
Divorce and separation force some parents into facing an inevitable holiday alone. My first rocked my sense of self and capacity for happiness on a day that had always brought me so much joy. After a lifetime of magical holiday celebrations, it was unfathomable to me that I could be spending one, more or less, ‘alone’.
When I separated over five years ago, we sought to keep that first holiday season as similar as possible. It was not even close to being the same, yet we made an effort to all be together and soften the blow of what had come to pass. The years that followed found me holding change at bay with all my might and yet, deep inside I knew it would eventually come to pass that I would be on my own for one or many.
This compelled me to look at holidays, as well as other special occasions, and ask myself what they really mean to me. Is it the actual day itself? Can togetherness be shared on any day we choose? What does each holiday truly represent for me and how can I celebrate on my own? These questions took me deep and led me to finding a sense of peace and self-understanding no one can take from me.
There also came a deeper understanding of others. As much pain as I felt, I recognized there were countless others who were suffering much greater loss than I was experiencing. What must they be feeling? I found myself with a new appreciation, understanding, and compassion for those people and their pain.
A dear friend brought still yet another perspective to my attention. As I lamented out loud my loss of family and the pending holidays, my unmarried, childless friend looked me straight in the eye and stated, “At least you had it once.” The shock of an unseen angle coursed through my body. I felt embarrassed by my lack of acknowledgement and gratitude. Now my grief had a new meaning. It had been a privilege to experience something wonderful even if I did miss it now.
On Thanksgiving morning this year, as my girls drove away to be with their father and his family, my heart clenched in my chest for a brief time and then it passed. We had been together for several wonderful days and cooked our holiday meal together the night before. Reflecting on our shared time warmed me through and melted the lump in my heart. This has not always been that easy for me.
Holidays are different because I have chosen to make them that way. The time I do have with my daughters is extra precious. The time alone can be filled with friends, good football with chips and guacamole, bonfires with myself, or walks with my beloved dog, Magic. Holidays can be sacred and beautiful even when they are not filled and defined by the presence of my children. And it gets easier with each passing year.
Courage of the Heart
December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.December 6, 2013
The human spirit and heart are amazing to me. Our ability to be resilient and to keep trying despite facing daunting odds impresses me each time I notice it anew. And in no area of life does this astound me more than in love.
Of course there is an inexplicable, primal need for physical survival. We read extraordinary tales about the lengths people go to, in life threatening circumstances, to survive. But, to keep trying at love and risking your heart, now that is amazing. How many times do we swear off after a failed love affair? Similar to a bad ‘love hang-over’, promising our self to never do that again. Only to find our self tempted before we know it and wham! we are at it again with passion and fervor.
Being on my own, after 17 years of marriage, I headed into the amusement park we call dating. When I first started going out, it was fun and my attitude was light hearted. Living by my motto, ‘A girl’s gotta eat!’ I accepted dinner invitations with little thought at all. If the man was a friend of a friend, entertaining, and engaging, I went! Getting out in the world, making new friends and having fun were the goal, not finding love. My dating life seemed like the ultimate anthropological study of the male gender. It was fun to live, experience and learn with each one.
There was the cliché ‘rebound’ guy who bruised my heart, or more accurately my pride, and a couple of others I thought might be a soft spot to land for a moment. Even though not fully in love, each time it was amazing to me that my heart could find the courage to lean in at all. My divorce and the betrayal that came with it had devastated me in ways I did not even think possible. According to onlookers, my survival without institutionalization was good fodder for a movie script. Overall, I truly felt independent, steady on my feet, and safe from real heartbreak.
Imagine my amazement when my heart suddenly took a risk, without my permission, and put me out there, for the first time. At first, I was stunned! After dating so many men and feeling little to nothing in terms of love, I believed I was too guarded, had been through too much trauma, and might not be willing to risk my heart again. As it turns out, my heart was waiting for someone special and I did not see it coming. It was more of a heart to heart recognition rather than a falling in love. I stepped into a relationship of familiarity, laughter, and a connection that amazed me. For several months, it was warm and wonderful; everything I had secretly hoped for and my heart went there willingly.
It is with regret I must report that it did not work out. Call it bad timing, call it a man with commitment issues, call it what you want. One friend even had the love to say to me “he wasn’t that into you”. It did not work out and I was crushed. I had also hoped that with all I had already been through, my heart could not/would not hurt like that again. I cried a river and felt my chest would explode from the pain.
In some ways, I felt leveled again; almost worse than the divorce itself. I was 43, at the time, and wondered how could this be happening? No mental argument or rationalization could ease my pain just as it could not keep me from venturing into love again. I surrendered to the agony and as the tears subsided, I was able to appreciate the courage of the risk I had taken.
The tenacity of the human heart is still unexplainable to me except that I feel our hearts are naturally drawn to others. It has also been said the mind does not retain horror; maybe that explains a lot. All I know is I see others and myself go to hell and back only to rise up and have faith again.
The cynics may say we are gluttons for punishment. I think we are courageous, resilient, and meant to share our lives with another. It was a wonderful surprise to me that as I caught my breath and dried my tears, I could still feel hope inside of me that a true love, well timed, that matches me will appear. If nothing else, loving this man with all my heart had showed me it was possible for my heart to be inspired and just how courageous I truly am.
Maybe next time the timing will be right, maybe he will have the courage to risk as I do, and if not… I am guaranteed to survive, learn more about myself, and most likely try again.
“Courage of the Heart”
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